"Stuck" PART 1

 Yesterday evening, the lady that lives below my apartment on the 2nd floor came and knocked on my door. I went to the door with Carter hanging off my leg, wearing a plaid button up shirt and running shorts. Carter's clothes were a mess and he had beans from his taco all over his face.  From the moment I answered the door, she started in on how they can hear running footsteps and loud thumps above their apartment, and that we needed to keep the noise down. As politely as I could, I told her, "I'm sorry, we will try to be quieter. But he is a toddler, I can only do so much, I'm doing as best as I can." And she just stared at me, peering over my shoulder and looking into my apartment like it was her business. After what seemed like a minute, she continued " And we've been hearing it since 7:00am this morning." Mind you that Carter had not woken up until 8:30am, took an hour and half afternoon nap, and we left at 4:30pm for a few hours to run errands. I told her that we would be mindful of it and I shut the door. I couldn't help but feel angry and defeated inside. Does she not have kids? Has she never seen how much energy a toddler has? Were her toddler's perfect silent angels? I began to cry as I reflected over the day that I had. Carter had been fussy since he woke up. He is cutting teeth, and nothing seemed to make him happy but for me to hold him. I love to hold my baby, but sometimes I want to take a shower or brush my teeth or heaven-forbid I go to the bathroom. He had poured tea all over the floor and had taken orange marker to my white comforter and my white table. Then, right after bath-time he poured juice all over himself, "ice bucket challenge style." AND THEN she just had to come knock on my door and tell me that we were too loud. Little did she know that she would be the inspiration for my next blog post.

I tried not to let it get to me. I tried not to concentrate on her piercing eyes staring a hole through my soul, making me feel like an incompetent mother .I know she didn't intend to make me cry, but if she had approached the situation in a different way, it wouldn't have hurt so much. I put Carter to bed and thought about all the blog posts I've read about moms feeling defeated, like they never measure up. They don't hand you a manual when your child is born and tell you that other moms are going to judge you. That people were going to stare at you in public while your child makes a scene. They also didn't give you a ticket into the future telling you that you would be a single mom, or that you or your husband would lose your job, or that someone you love would suddenly no longer be in your life. Moms or not, we are all broken. Some might be more "broken" than others, but nonetheless we have all felt it before. For the past year, I have endured the darkest of days, often questioning God and asking "why me?" I knew that he would not put me through such trials if I wasn't strong enough to get through them. I also knew that I didn't endure them to just keep what I have learned to myself. I felt him pushing me to start a blog to help share with others what he has done through me. But I still felt like that wasn't all I should be doing.

I went to bed at 1:00am (which is very normal for me), still thinking as I always do. I had felt all evening an uneasiness and restlessness in my heart about the day. If I was feeling like this, how many other women felt the same way? I asked God to remove the bitterness in my heart towards the woman that lived below me, and that he would continue to lead me in the right direction because often times, I feel a little lost. Whenever I am questioning God's will, I always turn to an image in my phone that has John 13:7 written on it. 

Jesus replied "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

And I put my phone down, and went to sleep. 

Stay tuned for PART 2...........