Beautifully Broken

I still remember the dreaded sound of my alarm going off at 5am. If I was lucky, Carter would have only woken up twice in the middle of the night to eat, leaving me a few hours to get some sleep. Exhausted, I'd drag myself out of bed, and fumble around for the pile of scrubs I had laid out the night before. I would get dressed in the dark and quietly slip into the bathroom to brush my teeth and put my hair up in a bun. Then I would sit on the counter and try my best to put some life into my face. I distinctly remember looking in the mirror and telling myself, "You can do this." More than once, a tear would roll down my cheek. 

I'd go into the kitchen, make my lunch for the day and pop two waffles in the toaster. If I had enough time, I might get to sit down and eat them. It was almost time for my grandma to arrive to watch Carter for the day. So before I left, I'd sneak into his room and watch him sleep. I'd whisper, "Mommy loves you" ever so softly, kiss my finger, and place it on his head. Then I would slip out the door. I always hated how depressingly dark and cold it was when I would leave. I would get into my car, just fast enough before the tears would come pouring down. I had three months of school left, and it was going to take everything I had just to finish. 

I remember people telling me how I would look back and one day forget about all of the pain and the hurt that I felt. At the time, I wished all the pain would go away. I would have given ANYTHING for it to just go away. I absolutely ached to the very depths of my soul, and I would be lying if I said that some days I don't still feel that pain. But I CAN'T forget that pain. I will remember exactly where I was the day I found out my husband was having a relationship outside of our marriage. I will remember every tear I cried. I will remember where I sat the night he told me he didn't love me. I will remember all the times I laid on the floor, begging God to take the hurt away. I will remember the nights that I drove around just to find a quiet place to park and cry. This may sound strange, but I WANT to remember the hard, so that I'm able to cherish the strength that I gained from it all. The bible says: 

               

                     "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of 

                      glory beyond all comparison, as we look not for the things that are seen

                      but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient

                      but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

What I'm trying to say is that the life that I knew before, could never produce in my heart, what this "broken" life has! Yours might look different, you may be battling with infertility, coping with addictions, experiencing pain from a failed marriage and the list goes on and on. But they all have one thing in common and that is that they are all something in your life that is broken, and cause you to need Jesus. Don't resist what God wants to do in your heart through your story! 

                      "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the 

                       test, that person will receive the crown of life that The Lord has promised 

                       to those who love him." James 1:12

HE picked me up off the floor. HE wiped my tears. HE helped me finish school. HE gave me the best job in the world. HE has provided a home for me. HE has helped me raise the most precious little boy. HE has placed dreams and desires in my heart that were never there before.HE is my Heavenly Father.  And there is no way I would have made it this far without him. 

As I reflect back on those rough days of waking up early to finish nursing school, raising a baby, going through a divorce, watching my parents divorce, and losing the one person who I counted on the most, I have no doubt in my mind as to how I made it through. The days still aren't always easy. Sometimes when my heart is too full of hurt and I am so overwhelmed by the "hard", I lean into the arms of my Father. I can almost feel his arms wrap around my weary heart as I rest in his presence. I can feel him doing something big in me... something much bigger than I can see. And this brokenness that we feel for this short time, is preparing us for something beyond what we could ever comprehend. We are all beautifully broken. 

Xoxoxo

Brittani