'Tis the Reason

I finally got home around 10pm after a jam-packed Christmas Day of driving here and there. My car was stocked with presents that Carter and I had received, and I had to make quite a few trips up and down the stairs just to bring them all up. My apartment was a mess from Christmas morning activities and a pile of dishes sat in the sink from breakfast. Carter was with his dad for half of the day and was sleeping at his house for the night. I sat down on the couch in the quiet of the room and looked at the bags of presents. I felt empty. It's not that I expected for bags of presents to make me feel whole, but I felt strangely guilty. Carter and I had been very blessed, with materialistic things. All the toys a child could want, home decor, and gift cards. I hadn't asked for anything for Christmas, and I feel very fortunate to have been blessed with such thoughtful gifts. But as I sat there, tears began to fill my eyes. What I wanted for Christmas is not something that anyone could place under the tree. I wanted my son to be at home, asleep in his room and to have the family that I always dreamed he would have. I wanted to have my parents together, and I wanted to have the relationship with my mother that I used to have. But I know better. God has a plan that far exceeds any plans that I could have for my own life. And much as it hurts, I have to trust that he knows what he's doing. 

I stood up to get a tissue, and as I began to walk, I passed by a mirror. For some reason, I just stood there and looked at my reflection. I have cried many tears within the past year, but this time I didn't wipe them away, I just let them fall. And as I looked at myself, I saw a girl that I didn't recognize. This girl was strong. But she didn't get that way on her own. 

I have learned that in my deepest moments of despair, to lay it all down before Jesus. In those moments when I don't want to get up off the floor, He reaches down to take my hand and helps me up again.... and again. He says," The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

I will never forget something that my dad told me not too long ago. He said, "There is only one man you can count on. As your dad, I will try my best but I am not perfect. But Jesus is." And my dad is right.

HE will never leave me. HE will never fail me. HE will never hurt me. HE is my rock. HE is my Savior. 

As I stood there looking in the mirror, a quiet voice was there to remind me that I wasn't walking through this alone. And through all of the trials and struggles, I can feel his presence. I believe that through me, he will use my story to further his kingdom and change the lives of others. Looking back at me in the mirror, I saw a girl who wasn't afraid of what the future holds, because she knows that her God is already there. He doesn't care about all those fancy gifts that we received for Christmas. He doesn't care what the comforter on your bed looks like, the brand of your handbag, or the jewels around your neck. He cares about what's in your heart. 

I now understood why I felt so empty. I looked around at my apartment and at those bags that were full of possessions and things that don't matter. I have things shoved away in drawers that I've forgotten about, and there's perfectly new toys that have sunk to the bottom of the toy box. I've got 20 pairs of shoes and there's children out there who don't even have one pair. I've become so selfish and have gotten so caught up in the earthly things of this world, that I have forgotten to live the way that Jesus has called us to live. Do I think that having nice things is wrong? Absolutely not! But if you're looking for earthy possessions to make you happy, you will always fall short. There will always be a newer, bigger, better thing out there. But there is only ONE God. And only He can fulfill your life, like nothing of this world. 

Matthew 6:19-21 "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." 

If Jesus showed up at your doorstep for dinner, he wouldn't remember what you were wearing or what your house looked like. But he would remember what was in your heart. Each of is an innkeeper who decides if there is room for Jesus. Beneath all things of this World, is there room left for him in your heart?

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Every year it seems to go by faster and faster and I find myself wanting hold on the magic of the season. However, I'm looking forward to a brand new year and I have been praying about something big that God has placed on my heart. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated! If you don't hear from me before, I pray that you have a wonderful New Year's Day!

Xoxoxo, 

Brittani