The Day I Hit Bottom

Lately, all I want to do is to share the things that God has placed on my heart, but I get to the blank screen and the words just won't come. I want God to use my story, and my heart to inspire the lives of others, but getting the words out on paper isn't always easy. It wasn't until I was driving home after having coffee with a wonderful friend of mine, and sharing with one another how God has changed our lives, that I finally knew what I should write about. 

Over the past year and a half, the number one statement that I continue to hear is, "I don't know how you do it." I've heard this from family, friends, and any acquaintances that know my story. It's a harmless statement, and if I was in their shoes, I would wonder the exact same thing. My reaction is usually to just smile and gracefully say " You don't know what you would do, until you are in this situation." And my answer is most definitely the truth. But I'm about to dig a little bit deeper and give you the real answer to this question. 

I grew up in a Christian home, where I attended church every Sunday since I was around the age of 8. I  attended a group on Wednesday nights called AWANAS as a young girl, where I learned bible verses, sang worship songs and fellowship with other "Christian" kids. It was one night while at AWANAS when I prayed a prayer and accepted Jesus into my heart. From then on, I knew what it took to be a "Christian" girl. I attended church with my family, opened my bible in Sunday school, didn't cuss, and tried to be kind to others. I said a prayer and acted like a Christian girl, but I had no idea what it meant to truly have a relationship with Jesus. I kept him in a box, and took him out only when I needed him. 

Fast forward to the age of 22, and shortly after filing for divorce, there was a point in my life where being accepted by men became very important me. There were things said to me at the end of my marriage that left deep gashes in my heart and ripped my self-confidence and worth to pieces. Because my own husband chose someone else over me, I felt that I wasn't good enough. I began going on many dates, just to feel accepted and attractive to a man who usually had the wrong intentions in mind. But this searching for love and acceptance never filled the gashes that my failed marriage had left in my heart. Then, on one very lonely night, while sitting at my sewing table, I began to sob uncontrollably. I crumbled to the floor and I felt my entire body go cold. Guilt, sadness, worthlessness and rejection had taken over the very depths of my soul, and I had no where else to turn. That was my bottom. I cried out, "God, I don't understand why I have to go through this?? I have no where else to turn but to you!" This was the day I gave everything in my life over to God and made a promise that I would submit to His will, instead of my own. 

Ever since that night, God has been moving mountains in my life.

Before this night, I believed that my past was too great for God to conquer. And while He doesn't promise to change my past, He promises to be present with me.  He promises to love me, even though I am not perfect. He is the only one who can mend the hurt and fill the void in my heart, like no earthly man could. We have a choice to get stuck in our past, dwelling on the pain you've been through and the injustice done to you to get to the place you are now. Or, you can give thanks to Jesus, that you are finally here, despite the challenges of getting here. You make the choice of whether you will move on or you can relive your past for the rest of your life. I have made the choice to move on, and to live the new life that God intended for me to live. 

My story is not one to be concealed, hidden and forgotten. My pain is very unique, but so is the one who saved me. Just like he saw the broken pieces of my life as I knew it, he sees yours too. He allows you to be broken so that He can create a new life for you and restore you in ways that you could never imagine. And when He picks up the broken pieces, you will not be made into the same person you were before. He will take the moment you shattered into all of those broken pieces, and use it to show those around you that beauty can come from brokenness. And that's exactly what he has done with mine. He doesn't promise that following Him will be easy. But I don't worry about what might happen in the future because I know that He is already there. 

I know that there is someone reading this that feels like they have reached their bottom and think that their past is too big for God to conquer. I want you to know that NOTHING is too big for God. When you fall to the floor because you have nothing left to give, He will always be there extending his hand to help you stand again. But it's your choice whether you take it or not. I made the decision to take His hand that night, and my life has never been the same.

So the answer to the statement, "I don't know how you do it," is simple. "I" am not doing a thing. But the God who lives in me, HE makes all things possible. Does He live in YOU? 

Xoxoxo, 

Brittani