His Grace is Bigger than My Sin

The thought of writing this post has had my stomach in knots for weeks now. My heart has been conflicted with the thought of it until today when God spoke through someone else, and I knew I needed to obey what I already knew was right in my heart. I was discussing my story, my hopes and my dreams for this blog, and she reminded me that while writing this blog, and sharing my story, its not about ME. It's not about how "good" I look, or how much of a hero I am. I am not perfect, and never will I ever be. But there is ONE who is. And this blog is for HIM. I could have easily swept this under the rug, and never discussed it. That would be the easiest thing to do. But instead I have chosen to be open and honest. So without hesitation, I am ready to share this with you.

I couldn't catch my breath, my heart was beating fast, I couldn't believe what I was looking at. It was 7 days before my wedding as I sat in the bathroom staring at a positive pregnancy test. I was shocked. I was so incredibly happy that my dream to have more children was now a reality, but my excitement was quickly overshadowed by shame. This wasn't the plan. "What would people think of me now?" I claim to be a Christian, but here I am pregnant 7 days before my wedding. "What a hypocrite," I told myself. "You have no ground to stand on now, you can't write a blog."

That evening, with my hands shaking and my heart beating out of my chest, I told my, "soon to be Husband" (at the time), that we were pregnant and we cried tears of joy. He was shocked and completey overjoyed, but he too knew that it wasn't in the order that God intended. Shame continued to steal my joy and I beat myself up constantly and I was consumed with the thought of "What people will think of me?"

That night I got down on my knees, tears pouring from my eyes, and I asked for forgiveness from the Lord. I thanked Him for this precious baby, this wonderful gift that He had sent us. But I didn't feel worthy, I felt guilty. And in that moment of prayer, I realized that not once had I asked, "What does Jesus think of me?" I was concerned about what PEOPLE would think of me, but not what God thought of me. After all, I am living for him, not people.

The wonderful truth is, God has forgiven me. He has forgiven me, before I could gain the courage to even forgive myself. John 8:7 says, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." Every one of us has sinned and has fallen short of the glory of God. But it is God who loved us so much that He sent His son to die for our sins so that we may be forgiven. There is no greater love than this! I truly believe that God is using this brief moment in my life to humble me. To let believers AND unbelievers know that as Christians we fall short everyday. You may hide your sin to look perfect in the eyes of people, but you are not fooling The Lord. Proverbs 28:13 says, "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy."  

So am I justifying my sin because God forgives? Absolutely not. It is not a free pass to sin and ask for forgiveness, only to continue to fulfill your own desires. In John 8:11 Jesus tells a woman caught in adultry, " Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more." And just has he forgave that woman of her sins, he has forgiven me, AND HE CAN FORGIVE YOU. You might be heavily burdened with guilt or shame, for things that everyone can see, or for things that others may never see. Ask Him for forgiveness, to lift this heavy burden and ask Him help you forgive yourself, too.

I have nothing to gain from sharing this very personal story with you. I am a real woman, who tries very hard to live a life that honors God, but I am not and will never be perfect. And I will not sit behind this screen and pretend that I am something I am not. I know that I may be scrutinized for this post. I know that your view of me my change, I am prepared for that. But I am not willing to go about continuing to write this blog to honor my God, and not be completely transparent with those that know me and read this blog. 

In June of 2016, my husband and I will welcome a beautiful son or daughter into the world, and my stomach fills with butterflies in anticipation of seeing him or her for the first time. To hold this baby in my arms, where I wondered if I would ever have another baby of my own again. I was born to be a mother, and my husband, a father. This baby is already so loved and I wake up every morning and thank God for this tiny miracle growing in my tummy. I am so thankful, that His grace is bigger than my sin.

Thank you God, for making me a Mommy, AGAIN!!

 

XOXO,

 

Brittani

It Rained That Day

On the morning of our wedding, I woke up to a bride's worst nightmare, pouring rain. This wasn't a surprise to me as I had been checking the weather forecast for the last two weeks. My ceremony and reception were supposed to both be outdoors and I couldn't bear the thought of moving it inside. I didn't dwell on this though, and just like all other things in life, if God wanted it rain, it was going to rain. 

My matron of honor arrived early that morning and we drove to pick up my step-daughter, Sydney, from school so we could all go get our hair done. After spending 3 hours in the salon, we ran out to our car, in the pouring rain. We couldn't help but laugh about it, and I held out faith that God would clear up the skies just in time for the ceremony. 

    (Hair by Annette at Luxe Society Salon)

We spent the next few hours putting on makeup and dresses in the bridal suite. I looked at my curl-fallen hair in the mirror and thought about how if it was my first wedding, I would have been furious at the rain for ruining my hair and potentially my plans, but I see things differently now. Instead, I looked at my hair and thought about how it didn't matter that my hair wasn't perfect, because the man that I was about to marry wasn't in love with my hair, he was in love with ME. 

The chaos began when guests started to arrive, unsure of where to go because of the rain. The owner of the venue told me that it was still raining, and gave me my options for moving it inside. My heart was so set on getting married outside, but I didn't want my guests to be upset because they were getting rained on. As I teetered between inside or outside, my Matron of Honor looked directly at me said, "What do YOU want to do? This is your day, and all that matters is what YOU want." And just like that I decided that we were going to have it outside, rain or shine. That is what best friends are for.

The guests were finally seated, and there I stood at the entrance of the aisle, with not a drop of rain to be seen. The ground was soaking wet and everyone seemed to be concerned about my dress getting dirty, but me. As I turned the corner and saw 35 of my most favorite people in the world, I looked at my daddy and started to cry. They were tears of joy because I knew the old chapter of my life was ending, and a new one was beginning. 

As husband and wife, we made our way to the reception area, where we were greeted by our family and friends. We ate, we cut cake, we toasted, we danced, we laughed and we cried. By the end of the evening, my hair was a mixture between straight and curly, I was barefoot, my makeup was melted, and the bottom of my dress was wet and muddy, and I was happier than I had ever been.

 IT RAINED THAT DAY, and I wouldn't have changed a single thing. 

I'm definitely no expert on marriage, but after having two marriages and two weddings, I have learned a few things that I want to share with brides-to-be, and young women who dream of their future wedding day.

Don't get caught up in the details of the day. The amount of money that you spend, doesn't matter. The number of people that you invite, doesn't matter. Don't prepare more for your wedding day, than you do for your marriage. Things will not always be perfect, but that's the beauty of  LIFE. Don't be afraid to LIVE. Dance barefoot in the rain, under the stars. Get your dress dirty, you only wear it once. Hold each of those moments in your heart, hold him in your arms, and hold that memory in your mind. All the dreams you hold in your heart, and all the love that you hold for him, those dreams begin NOW. The best day of your life isn't today, but in every day that follows. Hold on to his hand, hold on to these moments, and never let them go. 

XOXO,

Brittani

One Year-Thank You!

This week marks the one year anniversary of my blog! It's so hard to believe that something that started as a therapeutic outlet for me, has taken off way more than I could have possibly imagined. With over 33,000 views, this little blog is reaching those from not only the United States, but Canada, Mexico, Germany, France, Brazil and many, many more regions of the world. I started this blog with my mission being, "If God can use me to change one person's life with my story, then everything I endured would be worth it." I had no idea what I was getting myself into, and how much I wanted to put myself out there, but I took a leap of faith and I am so thankful that I listened. I have received countless messages, calls and text messages saying how one post helped someone through the day or touched them in some way. I've even been stopped in public by people I don't even know who have read my blog! Some people may know part of my story, some people may know all of my story. But the best and most important part of my story is that God took a young girl, so incredibly broken, and He made her into something so much more beautiful than she was before. 

I just want to tell each and every one of you "THANK YOU " from the bottom of my heart, for reading, commenting, liking and sharing my blog posts and for your continued outpouring of love and support. I could never fully tell you all just how much it means to me. I do not take credit however, for any of my posts. God gave me a gift that I didn't even realize I had, and showed me how to use it in a way that I would have never imagined.

What I have learned this past year is that God often uses our deepest pain as the launching pad of our greatest calling. He has placed new dreams and desires in my heart that would have never been there before. In my heart, I know that I did not go through such a difficult and painful journey, to keep my story to myself. It has become a dream of mine to write a book, and I am in the beginning stages of writing a book proposal. I understand that it can be a difficult and trying process and it may take years,  but if this is truly a God given desire, then I know he will make it happen!

Posts may be sparse over the next few weeks, because I am getting married in 15 days and things are getting busy around here, and following the wedding we will be going on a honeymoon cruise! But please stay tuned, I'm so ready to see what year number two brings!

Thank you again. Each and every one of you.

XOXOXO,
Brittani

The Real Love Story

It's still a very surreal feeling that I will be getting married in 4 weeks. The days are flying by and before I know it I will be walking down the aisle to marry the man whom I will share my life with.  I feel very emotional as I reflect on the journey that I've been on, to be where I am today. I want to relish in the blessings that God has given me and for this wonderful season in my life, but I have learned that it's in the suffering that we truly come to realize just how good our God is. 

Last Sunday, my Fiance and I went to church, the church that I have attended for many years. During worship, the altar was open for anyone to come and pray. Jeff took my hand and motioned for the front of the church as he had many times before. But this time, as he got down on his knees and prayed, I heard him say these words. "Lord please help me to be the Godly leader of our family." My eyes immediately welled up with tears and my heart felt so full I thought it might burst. And then, like a ton of bricks, I remembered that I had been here so many times before. And right there, on that same ground, on those same knees, I had prayed all alone many times before. Through my tears, I would pray,

"God, I'm so broken, I'm so sad, and I'm so hurt. I know that you only you can take that away. I don't understand why this has happened to me, but please use me for your glory. Please bring someone into my life on your time, not mine." 

To be honest, sometimes I would add, "but please don't be TOO long from now...." Like God really needed my input of timing suggestions. And yet, here I am, 4 weeks away from marrying the man that I had prayed for. "BLESSED is she who believed that the LORD would fulfill his promises to Her." Luke 1:45

BUT this  is not about my relationship with my soon-to-be Husband, it's about my relationship with The Lord. And right there at that altar, I was reminded of just how badly I needed Him during that time of suffering. I had nothing else. I had no one else. I had Him, and that was all. Looking back now, I realize what a blessing that time was! Oh what a blessing it is to endure suffering for His glory!  James 1:12 tells us,

 “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”

Two years ago, I had no idea what God was going to do with my life. I couldn't see past the tears, the hurt, and the pain. The pain has not gone away because The Lord brought a man into my life, but because The Lord is in my life. The most beautiful love story that I will ever be a part of, is the one in which I fall in love every day with the One who made me. Where I continue to realize and understand little by little that He chose me. He has a purpose for me, and He has a plan for me, and he has one for you too. THIS is true love. 

It doesn't matter who broke your heart or who took you for granted. That person does not define your worth because they do not have power over you. Your worth comes from who you are in Jesus. He is the one who adds value to your story. Because of my story, my life has taken on new meaning. I believe that God assigned me this "mountain" to show others that it can be moved.

In four weeks I will wear the white dress, and I will walk down the aisle to the man God intended for me to spend my life with. But this day will symbolize so much more than just a marriage. This is a marriage of two people, joining as one family, with God as the center.  The bible says, "The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy: I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." This day will be a day of celebration because the devil has not won.  God has given me a new life and I'm going to live it for his glory.

That's the Real Love Story.

Xoxo,

Brittani 

Just a Nurse

Unless you've been living under a rock lately (which is not a bad idea...) you've seen the uproar that The View has caused, following the 2015 Miss America pageant. For the talent portion of the competition, Miss Colorado did a monologue on her career as an Alzheimer's nurse. The day after the pageant, members from the The View mocked Miss Colorado with comments like, "she practically read an email... that's not a talent" and "Why does she have a doctors stethoscope around her neck?" Like the rest of the nurses around the country, these comments made my blood boil. I am not a fan of The View and never have been, but this really put me over the edge.

As a former "pageant girl", I would like to confess that I have never participated in a pageant with a talent portion.... because I can't  sing, dance or play an instrument. Sure I could have "learned" how to do any of these things to help me win a pageant, but would that have been a true reflection of the talents God gave me? Miss Colorado, I cannot applaud you enough, for walking out on that stage, and rocking the talent that is being a nurse. I'm sure you knew that a monologue might look less impressive to the judges than the opera singer or the dancer, but let me assure you that those girls do not do what you do everyday. I know, because I too am a nurse. 

We made it through nursing school, that was a challenge in itself. We then went on to hold the hand of someone while they take their last breath. We've watched parents lose their children. Children lose their parents. We've had conversations with lonely patient's that have no one else. We've caught doctor's mistakes that could cost someone their lives. We've been yelled at, reprimanded and scolded. We've cried behind closed doors and on our way home.

You see ladies of The View, my talent is not be singing, dancing or playing an instrument. My talent is sitting up all night monitoring a baby's oxygen level while his mom and dad get some sleep. It's waking him up every few hours when he's sick to give him breathing treatments. It's listening to his lungs WITH A STETHOSCOPE to make sure they are clear. Because there is NO doctor around to check them. It's knowing how to comfort him when mom and dad aren't there. It's sitting up at all hours of the night while his parents express their hopes and fears for their child. It's being a shoulder to cry on or a person to vent to when things are hard. It's dropping what I can to be there for him, any night or day. 

A nurse's talent isn't showcased on stage, and that's ok, we don't need it to be. God gave us the gifts of compassion, patience, selflessness and humility. Maybe you ladies from The View should ask God to give you a few of those qualities? Remember that while you sit there and bash others from your chair, we are out changing other's lives with ours. I will be praying for you. 

And to Miss Colorado, from all of us nurses, you rock girl! 

Xoxo, 

Brittani 

Bridal Makeup

For the past few weeks I have been experimenting with different makeup products to use for my wedding, as well as engagement and bridal pictures. On a regular daily basis, I spend about 5-10 minutes on my makeup, using a little "CC cream", blush and mascara. My fiance actually prefers the "less is more" look. But for pictures, and especially for big events like my wedding, I want to create a flawless, yet long-wearing look. If you've got a special photo session coming up, or a big event such as a wedding, here a few products that I am using for my "big day", that you might want to try too!

One- I've been using this Ecotools brush for a few years now to apply blush, and after all this time, it's still going strong. I hate when bristles fall out of brushes and onto my face, and so far I don't think I've seen even one bristle fall out of this brush. Best of all, the hairs on this brush are super soft and this brush is very affordable. You can purchase it here. 

Two- So as I said before, I am not a foundation wearer on a daily basis. I wear a "CC Cream" or concealer and blush on most days. However, I wanted a foundation that would look great in photos and was long-wearing through sweat and tears on my wedding day. I've worn this foundation on a few occasions and I have to say, it does make my skin flawless. After 10 hours of wear, it still looked good at the end of the night. I would call this a "medium" coverage foundation as it is not too thick, which I do not like. I want it look like "my skin" but better. For the price, I really do think it lives up to it's claims. You can purchase it here.

Three- I have been using L'Oreal carbon black telescopic eyeliner for probably 6 months now, and I really really like it. I am a big fan of liquid eye liner and feel that it really stays in place, compared to pencil liner. The carbon black line is truly black and the application wand helps it glide on very smooth. I would recommend this eyeliner to anyone that has problems keeping their eyeliner from transferring to their eyelid. It does come in waterproof, and I will probably be purchasing that, especially for my wedding.

Four- This is my fourth tube of Maybelline Lash Sensational  and I have to say that I obviously really like this mascara. I am usually a covergirl last blast girl, but I love how this mascara separates my lashes and gives great volume, which I think probably has something to do with the curved wand. 

Five and Six- I am very new to contouring my face. The idea has always been very daunting to me as a "minimal makeup" girl. However, I found this NYX contour stick in "universal" at ULTA, and it is great for a beginner like me. I am not sold on the highlighter side of this stick, but the darker side is perfect for hollowing out my cheeks, forehead and nose. To blend it in after I've applied it, I use this Real Techniques sculpting brush. I absolutely LOVE this brush and Real Techniques brushes in general. 

Seven- This blush from MAC is called "Melba". I have had this blush for a few years, and every time I switch to another, I always come back to it. The color is the perfect mixture between a rosy pink and a tan. MAC blushes also seem to last a lot longer than most blushes I've tried, which is great for an outside wedding where I might be sweating....and crying...a lot. 

Eight- I'm not normally a "primer" girl, but I think for a special event, it's important to have a good base for your makeup to adhere to. The Smashbox photofinish primer is probably one of the most popular primers, and I'd have to agree. 

Nine- I have been using this Maybelline Age Rewind under-eye concealer for probably a year now, and I love it. I stopped using it for awhile, but realized my under-eyes were looking a little tired. I put this on under my eyes, over my foundation to help brighten my under-eye area. I've also been known to wear it on a daily basis as a regular concealer.

  Before...... Contouring, or Halloween makeup?

After...... My makeup in natural lighting. I don't even recognize myself...

    Later that day.... Same makeup used for engagement photos 

I hope that this post gives you an idea of some new products that you might want to try or pick up the next time you are out shopping. Most of the products mentioned are very affordable. I am by no means a professional, just sharing what works for me! I always love to hear about products that others are loving too! If you have a product that you are loving, or if you try one of these, please comment below and let me know! 

XOXO, 

Brittani 

Dear Sweet Girl

Dear Sweet Girl,

I know that life feels like it's over right now, but I promise you that it has only just begun. As you sit on the floor crying, ruining your makeup for the third time today, I want you to know that there is so much more to your life than that boy who decided to leave you. I know that it hurts, I know that it's hard to get out of bed today, and I know that it will take all you have just to face the world. But do it anyways.

I know that you will get in your car and hear a song that reminds you of the past, but listen to it anyways. 

I know that you will go to your favorite restaurant and it will remind of the times you had together, but do it anyways. 

Your worth is not based on the boy who left you. Your worth lies in the eyes of the Lord, and to him, you are worth far more than rubies.

I know that it's hard to believe the promises because you are scarred and broken, but I promise that God has a plan for you. He is not surprised by what you are going through, and he is not unsure how He is going to take care of His children. It may take time, but always make the choice to choose hope instead of fear. One day you will look back and smile at how far you've come. You will hear that song on the radio and sing along with a smile on your face. And instead of being sad, you will be so proud of the woman you've become. 

Sweet girl, A man will never define who you are. God made you a beautiful, graceful and strong woman for a reason. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough. Because you are.

The journey will be a long one, and I can't promise that it will be easy. There will be times that you will go looking for someone to love you, but don't. There is already One who loves you more than anyone else ever could, and He always will. In fact, He loves you so much, that He died for you. I promise that if you take his hand, He will never leave your side. A strong woman is a woman who knows what she needs and reaches out to Jesus for it. 

Sweet girl, there will be many days where you feel like you're in the clear, only to fall back down again. There will be many times when you will feel like giving up. When that happens, it's ok to sit on the floor and cry. But always always ALWAYS get back up. I promise you'll be glad you did. 

It's important that you take this time that God has given you, to learn about the woman that He has created you to be. You were fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. You are a daughter of the King. You are so deserving of love, sweet girl. The thoughts and words of the past that ring in your ears, let them go. You are so much more than that.

Sweet girl, do not ever settle for anyone or anything. You deserve to be honored, respected, cherished, favoured and loved. "Above all else, guard you Heart, for everything you do, flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

And maybe, just maybe, there will come a day when you'll look up to see a man who's love for the Lord echoes your own, and you will then look back and realize that God's plan was so much better than your own.

Oh sweet girl, the future is so much better than you can see right now.  I know it's hard to trust Him right now, BUT DO IT ANYWAYS. 

Through God, Broken will always be made Beautiful.

I'll see you soon, sweet girl.

Sincerely,

ME

Enough.

I cherish every day that I get to spend with Carter. As a single and working mom, there are 2-3 days a week where I don't get to see him. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out and that I'm not the mom that I  always thought I would be. Some days I'm on the verge of tears. I feel like I can't ever live up to this image of this "perfect mom" that I have created in my head.

She's the mom who's got it all together. Her hair is perfectly styled and her makeup is flawless. She always has on the cutest outfits and her children are always dressed to the T. Her home looks like something straight out of a magazine, and obviously her kids never make messes. Her home is clean, and the laundry is always done. She drinks smoothies and lives off salads, while her kids eat all of their vegetables. She spends her days making Pinterest projects with her kids, or taking them to elaborate entertainment events. Her kids never cry, whine or make a scene in public.

It has taken some time but I have realized that the "perfect mom" doesn't exist.

I've been beating myself up over not living up to this "perfect mom" image I had always imagined that I would be. Before I had my son, I remember saying how I would NEVER be one of "those" parent's that let my son play on the Ipad or Iphone. I was going to make home-made baby food and elaborate dinosaur shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He would NEVER sleep in my bed, and the paci would be gone by his first birthday. I would NEVER not do my hair or wear makeup. Instead, he sleeps with me often, and the we finally ditched the paci about a month ago. My hair could use fresh highlights, and doesn't get done but once or twice a week. My wardrobe consists of a few staple items that I interchange depending on what's clean. My son is usually dirty, or half naked. My bed is never made, there's toys everywhere and dishes in the sink. He eats cheetos for lunch and refuses to eat the rest of his food. There's pieces of play-doh all over my house from the last Pinterest project, and I can't afford elaborate entertainment events. WWII erupts if we can't find the huge double seated carts to sit in at Target, that I HATE to drive. I scold myself when I give in to the candy at the check-out counter. " A good mom wouldn't let him have candy." I scold myself when I allow him to sleep in "mommy's bed." " I'm such a bad mom, I shouldn't let him to sleep with me." I scold myself when he goes to bed later than his bedtime. "A good mom would have him in bed by 8."

So who is this "good mom"??

She's the one rocking a crying baby at 3am. The one crying because her baby won't stop crying. The one building forts when she still has piles of laundry to do. The one kissing boo boos and placing bandages on skinned knees. The one driving back and forth to swim and gymnastics lessons. The one cleaning up crushed goldfish after vacuuming. The one praying over a sick baby. The one making dinner from what's left in the pantry, because there's still three days until payday. The one playing with trucks when the house needs to be cleaned. The one cleaning yogurt out of the carpet, again. The one clapping after they go potty on the potty for the first time.  The one searching for a missing pacifier in the middle of the night. The one sewing an arm back on their favorite stuffed animal. The one bending down to wipe their tears away.

 It's me, and  It's YOU.

Sometimes you cry behind the bathroom door. Only to regain your composure as your little one bangs "Mommy!" on the door. You feel like you're failing. The image of this "perfect mom" is unattainable. You wonder if anyone understands the way you feel.  Everyone else seems to have it all together. What we sometimes forget is how quickly time goes by. Before you know it, your baby will no longer be a baby. One day, all your child will remember is the days you played trucks in the dirt, or built a fort in the living room. Sometimes Carter will come up to me and say, "Mommy build..." There might be cleaning to do or piles of laundry to be folded, but the smile on his little face when I  build tall towers out of blocks, is worth dropping the laundry duties for. 

I want you to know, weary momma, that God says you're ENOUGH. He doesn't compare you to this image that you have created in your head. He doesn't care if your home is clean, or if your hair is done. Before your children were born, he decided that you would be their mother. Do not compare yourself to anyone else, for there is no one else who can do this job the way you do. So when you're feeling overwhelmed, lean on the one who gave you the greatest job in the world, and drop the image that you have created of being the "perfect mom."

There will be so many times you feel like you've failed, but in the eyes, heart and mind of your child, you are super mom.

XOXO, 

Brittani

Our Story

I used to laugh when people asked how we met, and cough and mutter Match.com under my breath. Now I'm proud to admit it and have my fingers crossed for a spot on one of their commercials. However, it definitely didn't start out that way. The first date I went on was a disaster. I definitely ran into some characters after that, you'll have to ask me about them sometime. But after going on a few weird dates, I decided that Match wasn't for me. I deleted my account and chose not to date for awhile. I had decided to devote my time to being a mommy, and I was absolutely content with that. But a few months later, something urged me to give it one more try. I decided to give it a month, and be done if nothing happened. A few days later, I noticed that a very cute "baseball guy" had viewed my profile. Eventually we began texting back and forth, and I immediately remember thinking that there was something different about this guy, compared to the others I had met. After talking for a few days, he asked me if I would like to go on a date with him, and I obliged. He offered to pick me up and I declined. "I really don't want to die" I told him, "you could be a serial killer for all I know." He laughed and replied, "Well I'm not a serial killer, but that's very smart. I would hope that my own daughter would do the same." The truth was, I wasn't worried about him being a serial killer. I just wanted my own car, in the event that I needed an out....

We met at Luke, a fancy restaurant in downtown San Antonio. I honestly had high hopes for our date, but very low expectations based on past experiences. I remember walking down the street, not one bit nervous like I had been for other dates. But as soon as I walked in and saw him standing there, my stomach did a 180. We laugh about it now, but I remember thinking to myself, " Now that's a man..." 

I had never been to such a fancy restaurant in my life. I don't remember what I ate, or if I actually ate. We had some nasty "beet salad" and I pretended to like it, because I knew he was going to have to pay a pretty penny for it. But one thing was for sure, we couldn't stop talking. The conversation just flowed, almost like I had met him before. After hours of dinner conversation, we decided to take a walk by the river. After another hour of talking, it was finally time to call it a night. Because he was parked so far away, I drove him to his truck. And unlike the rest of my dates, he didn't try to make a move. He told me that he enjoyed the evening and that we would talk very soon. 

Well, one date led to a second, and a second led to a third. I started to become anxious about opening up about my past. He knew that I was divorced and had a child, but he didn't know the details of my painful past. He didn't know the pain that I still felt and the many scars that I had. I was afraid that he would run once he knew. I was afraid that it might be too much to handle, and I would understand if it was. But he didn't.

 

The first few months of dating were great. We learned more about each other, and had a blast on dates. But as time went on, I could feel myself building walls around my heart, I didn't want to get too close. I didn't want to let him in. I told myself that if I fell in love, I would risk feeling hurt and heartbreak again. My heart was too fragile, and to let those walls down would be a risk I didn't want to take. So I broke up with him, multiple times. He had every right to move on, to say that I was crazy. Most men would have done just that. But he understood what I was going through, and he was patient. Slowly, brick by brick he helped knock down those walls, until my heart was capable of love again. He spent many days and nights, holding me while I cried. He was there the second I needed him. He helped my heart heal in a way that I will never be able to thank him enough for. I once asked him why he stayed, when he had plenty of chances to run. And he said, "Because I could feel God telling me not to let her go..."

I will always remember this moment that I had, sitting at my sewing table late one night in the middle of the biggest struggle of my life. I had been crying out to God, saying "Why me God? Everything has been taken from me, surely you have a better plan for me?" I can still remember the calm I felt moments later, and it was as if God had wrapped his arms around me saying "Yes child, be patient." I held on to that promise, and I believe that he is nothing short of an answer to that prayer. He is patient, loving, caring, and kind. He is a wonderful father, and accepts my baby as his own. He is a respectful, humble, man of God. He's a shoulder to cry on, the one who makes me laugh, and he treats me like me like a Queen. He believes in me even when I don't. And I never thought I would find someone like him. 

Two nights ago, this wonderful man took me back to Luke, got down on one knee, and asked me to spend forever with him. And as I sit here looking down at this beautiful ring on my finger, I want to say that I am proof that our God knows exactly what he is doing. He's not a stranger to our future, and only He knows what's best for us. I'm so thankful that he knows better than I do. As we sat in the restaurant after I said "yes", with tears in my eyes, I raised my hands and said "Thank you God." There is no doubt, OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL. 

It's still all very surreal to me. After a very painful divorce and betrayal, I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to trust again. Afraid that I would never find a man who accepted Carter and I as a package. To find someone who truly loved ME. And I did. OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL.

It's exciting to know that I will be bride once again, but this time things will be different. I want a marriage that is more beautiful than my wedding. Knowing what I know now, it's easy for brides to become caught up in planning the perfect "Pinterest worthy" wedding. They put more effort into the wedding, than they do preparing their relationship for marriage. Don't get me wrong, I want to have a beautiful wedding. But not one that is more beautiful than my marriage. 

To this day, I would not change what I have been through to get to where I am now. I want to be an example to our children of what marriage really is. I know that marriage is not easy. I know there will be times that are hard. But with God as the center of our marriage, I believe that we can make it through whatever this world throws our way. 

Thank you everyone for all of your well wishes, love and support. The love that we have received is overwhelming. To each and every one of you, thank you from the bottom of our hearts!!! 

Stay tuned....... 

Xoxoxo, 

Brittani