My Story

Thursday, November 19, 2015

His Grace is Bigger than My Sin

The thought of writing this post has had my stomach in knots for weeks now. My heart has been conflicted with the thought of it until today when God spoke through someone else, and I knew I needed to obey what I already knew was right in my heart. I was discussing my story, my hopes and my dreams for this blog, and she reminded me that while writing this blog, and sharing my story, its not about ME. It's not about how "good" I look, or how much of a hero I am. I am not perfect, and never will I ever be. But there is ONE who is. And this blog is for HIM. I could have easily swept this under the rug, and never discussed it. That would be the easiest thing to do. But instead I have chosen to be open and honest. So without hesitation, I am ready to share this with you.

I couldn't catch my breath, my heart was beating fast, I couldn't believe what I was looking at. It was 7 days before my wedding as I sat in the bathroom staring at a positive pregnancy test. I was shocked. I was so incredibly happy that my dream to have more children was now a reality, but my excitement was quickly overshadowed by shame. This wasn't the plan. "What would people think of me now?" I claim to be a Christian, but here I am pregnant 7 days before my wedding. "What a hypocrite," I told myself. "You have no ground to stand on now, you can't write a blog."


That evening, with my hands shaking and my heart beating out of my chest, I told my, "soon to be Husband" (at the time), that we were pregnant and we cried tears of joy. He was shocked and completey overjoyed, but he too knew that it wasn't in the order that God intended. Shame continued to steal my joy and I beat myself up constantly and I was consumed with the thought of "What people will think of me?"


That night I got down on my knees, tears pouring from my eyes, and I asked for forgiveness from the Lord. I thanked Him for this precious baby, this wonderful gift that He had sent us. But I didn't feel worthy, I felt guilty. And in that moment of prayer, I realized that not once had I asked, "What does Jesus think of me?" I was concerned about what PEOPLE would think of me, but not what God thought of me. After all, I am living for him, not people.

The wonderful truth is, God has forgiven me. He has forgiven me, before I could gain the courage to even forgive myself. John 8:7 says, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." Every one of us has sinned and has fallen short of the glory of God. But it is God who loved us so much that He sent His son to die for our sins so that we may be forgiven. There is no greater love than this! I truly believe that God is using this brief moment in my life to humble me. To let believers AND unbelievers know that as Christians we fall short everyday. You may hide your sin to look perfect in the eyes of people, but you are not fooling The Lord. Proverbs 28:13 says, "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy."  

So am I justifying my sin because God forgives? Absolutely not. It is not a free pass to sin and ask for forgiveness, only to continue to fulfill your own desires. In John 8:11 Jesus tells a woman caught in adultry, " Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more." And just has he forgave that woman of her sins, he has forgiven me, AND HE CAN FORGIVE YOU. You might be heavily burdened with guilt or shame, for things that everyone can see, or for things that others may never see. Ask Him for forgiveness, to lift this heavy burden and ask Him help you forgive yourself, too.



I have nothing to gain from sharing this very personal story with you. I am a real woman, who tries very hard to live a life that honors God, but I am not and will never be perfect. And I will not sit behind this screen and pretend that I am something I am not. I know that I may be scrutinized for this post. I know that your view of me my change, I am prepared for that. But I am not willing to go about continuing to write this blog to honor my God, and not be completely transparent with those that know me and read this blog. 


In June of 2016, my husband and I will welcome a beautiful son or daughter into the world, and my stomach fills with butterflies in anticipation of seeing him or her for the first time. To hold this baby in my arms, where I wondered if I would ever have another baby of my own again. I was born to be a mother, and my husband, a father. This baby is already so loved and I wake up every morning and thank God for this tiny miracle growing in my tummy. I am so thankful, that His grace is bigger than my sin.

Thank you God, for making me a Mommy, AGAIN!!


 
XOXO,
 
Brittani


9 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. His grace is enough... Can't wait to meet this miracle!

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  3. Brittani ..... Your honesty is refreshing.... You deserve happiness ten fold. ❤️❤️

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  4. I've been reading your blog for the past few days and you've definitely inspired me. My desire to serve the lord has been ignited once again. Very glad to have read this particular post. I tend to be so very hard on myself. If I make a mistake or sin I wonder what everyone will think of me and will they see me differently. Yes we do have an obligation to bring others to Christ but if my God can forgive my mistakes then that's all I should worry about. Congrats on your growing family!

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  5. Thank you Trina! You are so very right! I am so glad you came across my blog! Can I ask how you found it?

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    1. Your picture popped up on my Instagram under "explored posts" I just clicked on it to see if it was someone I knew and then I saw your link on your bio. Very glad I found it. Everything you've posted was something I really needed to read!

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  6. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. ♡

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  7. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. ♡

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  8. Love the way you describe all that, It shows the amount of effort you put into it. Meso Pro

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