To The Girl Who Wasn't Good Enough

I received a message, a few months ago, from a sweet young girl. Her question to me was, "How did you get all your confidence?" This question hit me pretty hard, as I was flattered that she thought I was so confident, but I was stumped on how to answer this. I didn't feel particularly confident in myself, so how was I qualified to give her an answer? I answered her as best as I could, but her question continued to linger in my mind.

That evening I told my husband about her message and he listened to me rant on and on about how I could even answer that question, when I battled with self-confidence myself. When I was done, he looked at me and said, "Honey, you ARE confident. I know what you've been through and I've seen you be confident. But sometimes I think you battle with perfectionism." OUCH. Hearing what he had to say stung a little, but I knew that he was right.

We all know that perfection doesn't exist, but that still doesn't keep us from trying to attain it. After my divorce I struggled with self-confidence. A divorce or break-up can leave you feeling like there is something wrong with you, especially if someone else is chosen instead of you. I was left feeling that the reason for the divorce was that there was something wrong with me.

 I wasn't thin enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't "domestic" enough. I wasn't successful enough.

You name it, I thought it. And although I know that none of that is true, it didn't prevent me from trying to attain each one to the point of exhaustion and unhappiness. I wish I could tell you that I've worked past each and every one of these issues, but I haven't. I wish I could tell you that my marriage is perfect and that I didn't carry these thoughts from the past with me, but I did. However, let me answer this question as best as I know how, and tell you what I HAVE learned.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH. 

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

I want you to know that if your self-confidence has been affected by hurt, betrayal or rejection, you're not alone. That another person's decisions, words and actions towards you, do not define who YOU are inside. I firmly believe that rejection is God's way of saying, "wrong direction." And just because "he" left, doesn't mean that God has. When everyone else leaves, God is saying, "I'm here!" There were many days when he picked me up off the floor, and some days he carried me. But one thing I know for sure is that in the midst of all the pain and rejection, I had to learn how to love myself. I learned that my worth comes from Jesus and true satisfaction can only be found in Him.

So, to every girl who has felt that they weren't "good enough" at some point in your life, and to those going through the very painful seasons of heartbreak and rejection right now. Stop agreeing with the lies of the enemy and start fighting by believing in the promises of God.

You don't need to be "skinnier." You don't need a cleaner house. You don't need to be "prettier."

There's beauty in being rejected, misunderstood, and unseen. It teaches you to rely on God for everything. Rejection from man doesn't mean rejection from God. You are beautiful because God made you in His image.

You were made to be MORE than good enough. Enough said.

XOXOXO,

Brittani

20 Weeks Pregnancy Update

How far along? 20 weeks 2 days

 

Total weight gain: 6 pounds

 

Maternity clothes? YES. I've been wearing maternity clothes for awhile now, my "go-to" outfit is usually black leggings and a maternity top with a cardigan. I have two pair of maternity jeans but by mid-day they seem to sag in my tush area and I end up having to pull them up all day. The jeans in my 20 week photo are actually not maternity but very stretchy. I was so excited when I put them on and they zipped and buttoned just like before I was pregnant. I will definitely be riding them out as long as I can.

 

Sleep: I'm still sleeping pretty well, although I don't require as much as I did in the first trimester. I can go to bed at 11pm instead of 9pm and feel fine in the morning. It helps to have a snoogle, the best pregnancy pillow EVER, and a child who sleeps until 9am. (insert praise hands emoji)

 

Best moment this week: This morning my husband, Carter and I got to see our sweet boy since we last saw him 5 weeks ago. The doctor said his anatomy was beautiful and he was measuring ahead of my due date. It was so good to see him moving around in there, more so for my husband because every time he tries to feel Cooper move, he stops. It's actually becoming really funny now.

 

Miss Anything? After I put the kids to sleep on Monday nights I like to sit down and watch The Bachelor. When I finally sat down, I thought about how nice it would be to have a glass of wine. But I settled for a glass of water and thought about how I have the rest of my life for a glass of wine. No rush.

 

Cravings:  I really crave sour things like Sour Patch Kids and oranges and juices. I keep tiny little packets of sour patch in the house so when a craving hits, I don't eat to many. I may or may not hide them from the kids.

 

Symptoms:  I've been feeling pretty good, except for this last week when I was hit hard with respiratory infection. Besides that, I will wake up with an occasional headache, but they aren't as bad as they were before. The right side of my belly is tender and my doctor says she thinks it's just that the round ligaments are tighter on that side. I'm starting to get hungry more often, which is good because I'm finally starting to gain more weight.

 

Looking forward to: Organizing and buying baby things. I've already started to put together some of Carter's old things like his swing and it makes me so excited. I got rid of a lot of his things because I didn't know when or if I would ever have another child again. So it's exciting to have a mixture of his old things and also getting to buy a few new things.

 

XOXO,

 

Brittani

Somewhere in Between

This past week I ran into a sweet woman whom I had never met before, but she knew me from my blog.  I can imagine just how frazzled I looked as she approached me in TJMaxx, browsing the baby section and talking a toddler out of why he didn't need another piece of gum. "Brittani?" she asked. "Yes?" I replied, quickly searching the database of faces in my brain, as I didn't recognize her. She introduced herself as the mother-in-law of a friend of mine and said that she recognized my face from my blog. She was so genuinely kind and said how she loved reading my posts. After a few minutes we parted ways, but our brief conversation could not have come at a better time, and it made more of an impact on me than she realized.

That afternoon I told my husband about this conversation and the woman I had met earlier that day, and he affirmed just how neat it was to know that there are people reading my blog, many of whom I don't even know. "Your face lights up when you talk about your blog, Honey. You get this spark in your eye...." He stopped right there because I began to cry.. It doesn't take much these days to make me cry. These pregnancy hormones can be so strong it's actually frustrating. But this was one of those cries that comes from way down deep, the kind that my husband knows as real tears.

You see, somewhere in between the never-ending loads of laundry, grocery store runs and dinner making, house cleaning and diaper changing, I had slowly begun to lose who I was. The days began to seem monotonous as my own dreams and hobbies faded into the distance. I admire my husband for working so hard at something that he really loves doing, but sometimes I envy him for getting out of the house to work with other adults. Don't get me wrong, I love watching Toy Story and Mickey Mouse and eating Goldfish and blowing bubbles. But somewhere in the midst of all that, I had lost what made me happy. I could blame it on the first trimester sickness and exhaustion, and that was part of the reason I have been absent for two months. But the other part was an ever so convincing voice inside my head telling me that no one really cared to know what I had to say. Over time I had convinced myself that while writing for my blog was my passion, it was just a waste of time. That was all until I ran into this sweet woman who thankfully reminded me why I had began writing in the first place.

As women, and especially as busy mothers, we tend to put the one thing that lights our fire, on the back-burner. Our families, husbands, and children become more important to us than ourselves. I love my husband and my son and step-daughter more than anything in the world. But to give up on my passions, the very thing that makes me happy, would limit my happiness as a wife, and as a mother. It's not selfish for YOU, to still be YOU. The same woman you were before you were married, and before you brought babies into this world. Somewhere in between the laundry and the diaper changes, I encourage you to find and do that the thing that makes your heart sing. Maybe it's going for a jog in the evening after your husband gets home. Maybe it's reading or painting or decorating. Maybe it's just an hour solo stroll through Target with a coffee in your hand (also my hobby). Make time to do the things that YOU enjoy, and don't feel guilty about it. Blogging is something that I really enjoy, it truly makes my heart sing. But I can't always sit down and write an entire post in one sitting. As we speak, my son is chasing the dog around in the backyard with a can of silly string, and I know that once that can is empty, my time is up. But being able to do the things you love between diaper changes, loads of laundry, and cans of silly string, will fill your love tank as a wife and as a mother.

This morning I woke up, and looked at my sweet boy sleeping next to me while my other little boy did flips in belly. It's the biggest, and sweetest blessing to be a mother and I want to be the very best for them. But what makes me a good mother is also taking the time to do the things that make me, ME. So here I am today, back to blogging. It doesn't really matter if one person reads this or 10,000 people read this. Writing is what lights my fire, it's the unique gift and passion that God has given me. I would love to encourage every woman reading this to find the unique passion that God has given you, and pursue it. And for any men reading this, encourage your wife to do what sets her soul on fire. I promise you'll thank me for it.

Thank you all for reading, sharing and commenting on my posts. Your support means the world to me. And a special thank you to my sweet husband, who always encourages me to do what makes my heart sing. And for the sweet woman who gave me the encouragement that I needed and didn't even know it, you know who you are. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Xoxoxo,

Brittani

His Grace is Bigger than My Sin

The thought of writing this post has had my stomach in knots for weeks now. My heart has been conflicted with the thought of it until today when God spoke through someone else, and I knew I needed to obey what I already knew was right in my heart. I was discussing my story, my hopes and my dreams for this blog, and she reminded me that while writing this blog, and sharing my story, its not about ME. It's not about how "good" I look, or how much of a hero I am. I am not perfect, and never will I ever be. But there is ONE who is. And this blog is for HIM. I could have easily swept this under the rug, and never discussed it. That would be the easiest thing to do. But instead I have chosen to be open and honest. So without hesitation, I am ready to share this with you.

I couldn't catch my breath, my heart was beating fast, I couldn't believe what I was looking at. It was 7 days before my wedding as I sat in the bathroom staring at a positive pregnancy test. I was shocked. I was so incredibly happy that my dream to have more children was now a reality, but my excitement was quickly overshadowed by shame. This wasn't the plan. "What would people think of me now?" I claim to be a Christian, but here I am pregnant 7 days before my wedding. "What a hypocrite," I told myself. "You have no ground to stand on now, you can't write a blog."

That evening, with my hands shaking and my heart beating out of my chest, I told my, "soon to be Husband" (at the time), that we were pregnant and we cried tears of joy. He was shocked and completey overjoyed, but he too knew that it wasn't in the order that God intended. Shame continued to steal my joy and I beat myself up constantly and I was consumed with the thought of "What people will think of me?"

That night I got down on my knees, tears pouring from my eyes, and I asked for forgiveness from the Lord. I thanked Him for this precious baby, this wonderful gift that He had sent us. But I didn't feel worthy, I felt guilty. And in that moment of prayer, I realized that not once had I asked, "What does Jesus think of me?" I was concerned about what PEOPLE would think of me, but not what God thought of me. After all, I am living for him, not people.

The wonderful truth is, God has forgiven me. He has forgiven me, before I could gain the courage to even forgive myself. John 8:7 says, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." Every one of us has sinned and has fallen short of the glory of God. But it is God who loved us so much that He sent His son to die for our sins so that we may be forgiven. There is no greater love than this! I truly believe that God is using this brief moment in my life to humble me. To let believers AND unbelievers know that as Christians we fall short everyday. You may hide your sin to look perfect in the eyes of people, but you are not fooling The Lord. Proverbs 28:13 says, "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy."  

So am I justifying my sin because God forgives? Absolutely not. It is not a free pass to sin and ask for forgiveness, only to continue to fulfill your own desires. In John 8:11 Jesus tells a woman caught in adultry, " Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more." And just has he forgave that woman of her sins, he has forgiven me, AND HE CAN FORGIVE YOU. You might be heavily burdened with guilt or shame, for things that everyone can see, or for things that others may never see. Ask Him for forgiveness, to lift this heavy burden and ask Him help you forgive yourself, too.

I have nothing to gain from sharing this very personal story with you. I am a real woman, who tries very hard to live a life that honors God, but I am not and will never be perfect. And I will not sit behind this screen and pretend that I am something I am not. I know that I may be scrutinized for this post. I know that your view of me my change, I am prepared for that. But I am not willing to go about continuing to write this blog to honor my God, and not be completely transparent with those that know me and read this blog. 

In June of 2016, my husband and I will welcome a beautiful son or daughter into the world, and my stomach fills with butterflies in anticipation of seeing him or her for the first time. To hold this baby in my arms, where I wondered if I would ever have another baby of my own again. I was born to be a mother, and my husband, a father. This baby is already so loved and I wake up every morning and thank God for this tiny miracle growing in my tummy. I am so thankful, that His grace is bigger than my sin.

Thank you God, for making me a Mommy, AGAIN!!

 

XOXO,

 

Brittani

It Rained That Day

On the morning of our wedding, I woke up to a bride's worst nightmare, pouring rain. This wasn't a surprise to me as I had been checking the weather forecast for the last two weeks. My ceremony and reception were supposed to both be outdoors and I couldn't bear the thought of moving it inside. I didn't dwell on this though, and just like all other things in life, if God wanted it rain, it was going to rain. 

My matron of honor arrived early that morning and we drove to pick up my step-daughter, Sydney, from school so we could all go get our hair done. After spending 3 hours in the salon, we ran out to our car, in the pouring rain. We couldn't help but laugh about it, and I held out faith that God would clear up the skies just in time for the ceremony. 

    (Hair by Annette at Luxe Society Salon)

We spent the next few hours putting on makeup and dresses in the bridal suite. I looked at my curl-fallen hair in the mirror and thought about how if it was my first wedding, I would have been furious at the rain for ruining my hair and potentially my plans, but I see things differently now. Instead, I looked at my hair and thought about how it didn't matter that my hair wasn't perfect, because the man that I was about to marry wasn't in love with my hair, he was in love with ME. 

The chaos began when guests started to arrive, unsure of where to go because of the rain. The owner of the venue told me that it was still raining, and gave me my options for moving it inside. My heart was so set on getting married outside, but I didn't want my guests to be upset because they were getting rained on. As I teetered between inside or outside, my Matron of Honor looked directly at me said, "What do YOU want to do? This is your day, and all that matters is what YOU want." And just like that I decided that we were going to have it outside, rain or shine. That is what best friends are for.

The guests were finally seated, and there I stood at the entrance of the aisle, with not a drop of rain to be seen. The ground was soaking wet and everyone seemed to be concerned about my dress getting dirty, but me. As I turned the corner and saw 35 of my most favorite people in the world, I looked at my daddy and started to cry. They were tears of joy because I knew the old chapter of my life was ending, and a new one was beginning. 

As husband and wife, we made our way to the reception area, where we were greeted by our family and friends. We ate, we cut cake, we toasted, we danced, we laughed and we cried. By the end of the evening, my hair was a mixture between straight and curly, I was barefoot, my makeup was melted, and the bottom of my dress was wet and muddy, and I was happier than I had ever been.

 IT RAINED THAT DAY, and I wouldn't have changed a single thing. 

I'm definitely no expert on marriage, but after having two marriages and two weddings, I have learned a few things that I want to share with brides-to-be, and young women who dream of their future wedding day.

Don't get caught up in the details of the day. The amount of money that you spend, doesn't matter. The number of people that you invite, doesn't matter. Don't prepare more for your wedding day, than you do for your marriage. Things will not always be perfect, but that's the beauty of  LIFE. Don't be afraid to LIVE. Dance barefoot in the rain, under the stars. Get your dress dirty, you only wear it once. Hold each of those moments in your heart, hold him in your arms, and hold that memory in your mind. All the dreams you hold in your heart, and all the love that you hold for him, those dreams begin NOW. The best day of your life isn't today, but in every day that follows. Hold on to his hand, hold on to these moments, and never let them go. 

XOXO,

Brittani