To The Girl Who Wasn't Good Enough

I received a message, a few months ago, from a sweet young girl. Her question to me was, "How did you get all your confidence?" This question hit me pretty hard, as I was flattered that she thought I was so confident, but I was stumped on how to answer this. I didn't feel particularly confident in myself, so how was I qualified to give her an answer? I answered her as best as I could, but her question continued to linger in my mind.

That evening I told my husband about her message and he listened to me rant on and on about how I could even answer that question, when I battled with self-confidence myself. When I was done, he looked at me and said, "Honey, you ARE confident. I know what you've been through and I've seen you be confident. But sometimes I think you battle with perfectionism." OUCH. Hearing what he had to say stung a little, but I knew that he was right.

We all know that perfection doesn't exist, but that still doesn't keep us from trying to attain it. After my divorce I struggled with self-confidence. A divorce or break-up can leave you feeling like there is something wrong with you, especially if someone else is chosen instead of you. I was left feeling that the reason for the divorce was that there was something wrong with me.

 I wasn't thin enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't "domestic" enough. I wasn't successful enough.

You name it, I thought it. And although I know that none of that is true, it didn't prevent me from trying to attain each one to the point of exhaustion and unhappiness. I wish I could tell you that I've worked past each and every one of these issues, but I haven't. I wish I could tell you that my marriage is perfect and that I didn't carry these thoughts from the past with me, but I did. However, let me answer this question as best as I know how, and tell you what I HAVE learned.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH. 

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

I want you to know that if your self-confidence has been affected by hurt, betrayal or rejection, you're not alone. That another person's decisions, words and actions towards you, do not define who YOU are inside. I firmly believe that rejection is God's way of saying, "wrong direction." And just because "he" left, doesn't mean that God has. When everyone else leaves, God is saying, "I'm here!" There were many days when he picked me up off the floor, and some days he carried me. But one thing I know for sure is that in the midst of all the pain and rejection, I had to learn how to love myself. I learned that my worth comes from Jesus and true satisfaction can only be found in Him.

So, to every girl who has felt that they weren't "good enough" at some point in your life, and to those going through the very painful seasons of heartbreak and rejection right now. Stop agreeing with the lies of the enemy and start fighting by believing in the promises of God.

You don't need to be "skinnier." You don't need a cleaner house. You don't need to be "prettier."

There's beauty in being rejected, misunderstood, and unseen. It teaches you to rely on God for everything. Rejection from man doesn't mean rejection from God. You are beautiful because God made you in His image.

You were made to be MORE than good enough. Enough said.

XOXOXO,

Brittani

20 Weeks Pregnancy Update

How far along? 20 weeks 2 days

 

Total weight gain: 6 pounds

 

Maternity clothes? YES. I've been wearing maternity clothes for awhile now, my "go-to" outfit is usually black leggings and a maternity top with a cardigan. I have two pair of maternity jeans but by mid-day they seem to sag in my tush area and I end up having to pull them up all day. The jeans in my 20 week photo are actually not maternity but very stretchy. I was so excited when I put them on and they zipped and buttoned just like before I was pregnant. I will definitely be riding them out as long as I can.

 

Sleep: I'm still sleeping pretty well, although I don't require as much as I did in the first trimester. I can go to bed at 11pm instead of 9pm and feel fine in the morning. It helps to have a snoogle, the best pregnancy pillow EVER, and a child who sleeps until 9am. (insert praise hands emoji)

 

Best moment this week: This morning my husband, Carter and I got to see our sweet boy since we last saw him 5 weeks ago. The doctor said his anatomy was beautiful and he was measuring ahead of my due date. It was so good to see him moving around in there, more so for my husband because every time he tries to feel Cooper move, he stops. It's actually becoming really funny now.

 

Miss Anything? After I put the kids to sleep on Monday nights I like to sit down and watch The Bachelor. When I finally sat down, I thought about how nice it would be to have a glass of wine. But I settled for a glass of water and thought about how I have the rest of my life for a glass of wine. No rush.

 

Cravings:  I really crave sour things like Sour Patch Kids and oranges and juices. I keep tiny little packets of sour patch in the house so when a craving hits, I don't eat to many. I may or may not hide them from the kids.

 

Symptoms:  I've been feeling pretty good, except for this last week when I was hit hard with respiratory infection. Besides that, I will wake up with an occasional headache, but they aren't as bad as they were before. The right side of my belly is tender and my doctor says she thinks it's just that the round ligaments are tighter on that side. I'm starting to get hungry more often, which is good because I'm finally starting to gain more weight.

 

Looking forward to: Organizing and buying baby things. I've already started to put together some of Carter's old things like his swing and it makes me so excited. I got rid of a lot of his things because I didn't know when or if I would ever have another child again. So it's exciting to have a mixture of his old things and also getting to buy a few new things.

 

XOXO,

 

Brittani

Somewhere in Between

This past week I ran into a sweet woman whom I had never met before, but she knew me from my blog.  I can imagine just how frazzled I looked as she approached me in TJMaxx, browsing the baby section and talking a toddler out of why he didn't need another piece of gum. "Brittani?" she asked. "Yes?" I replied, quickly searching the database of faces in my brain, as I didn't recognize her. She introduced herself as the mother-in-law of a friend of mine and said that she recognized my face from my blog. She was so genuinely kind and said how she loved reading my posts. After a few minutes we parted ways, but our brief conversation could not have come at a better time, and it made more of an impact on me than she realized.

That afternoon I told my husband about this conversation and the woman I had met earlier that day, and he affirmed just how neat it was to know that there are people reading my blog, many of whom I don't even know. "Your face lights up when you talk about your blog, Honey. You get this spark in your eye...." He stopped right there because I began to cry.. It doesn't take much these days to make me cry. These pregnancy hormones can be so strong it's actually frustrating. But this was one of those cries that comes from way down deep, the kind that my husband knows as real tears.

You see, somewhere in between the never-ending loads of laundry, grocery store runs and dinner making, house cleaning and diaper changing, I had slowly begun to lose who I was. The days began to seem monotonous as my own dreams and hobbies faded into the distance. I admire my husband for working so hard at something that he really loves doing, but sometimes I envy him for getting out of the house to work with other adults. Don't get me wrong, I love watching Toy Story and Mickey Mouse and eating Goldfish and blowing bubbles. But somewhere in the midst of all that, I had lost what made me happy. I could blame it on the first trimester sickness and exhaustion, and that was part of the reason I have been absent for two months. But the other part was an ever so convincing voice inside my head telling me that no one really cared to know what I had to say. Over time I had convinced myself that while writing for my blog was my passion, it was just a waste of time. That was all until I ran into this sweet woman who thankfully reminded me why I had began writing in the first place.

As women, and especially as busy mothers, we tend to put the one thing that lights our fire, on the back-burner. Our families, husbands, and children become more important to us than ourselves. I love my husband and my son and step-daughter more than anything in the world. But to give up on my passions, the very thing that makes me happy, would limit my happiness as a wife, and as a mother. It's not selfish for YOU, to still be YOU. The same woman you were before you were married, and before you brought babies into this world. Somewhere in between the laundry and the diaper changes, I encourage you to find and do that the thing that makes your heart sing. Maybe it's going for a jog in the evening after your husband gets home. Maybe it's reading or painting or decorating. Maybe it's just an hour solo stroll through Target with a coffee in your hand (also my hobby). Make time to do the things that YOU enjoy, and don't feel guilty about it. Blogging is something that I really enjoy, it truly makes my heart sing. But I can't always sit down and write an entire post in one sitting. As we speak, my son is chasing the dog around in the backyard with a can of silly string, and I know that once that can is empty, my time is up. But being able to do the things you love between diaper changes, loads of laundry, and cans of silly string, will fill your love tank as a wife and as a mother.

This morning I woke up, and looked at my sweet boy sleeping next to me while my other little boy did flips in belly. It's the biggest, and sweetest blessing to be a mother and I want to be the very best for them. But what makes me a good mother is also taking the time to do the things that make me, ME. So here I am today, back to blogging. It doesn't really matter if one person reads this or 10,000 people read this. Writing is what lights my fire, it's the unique gift and passion that God has given me. I would love to encourage every woman reading this to find the unique passion that God has given you, and pursue it. And for any men reading this, encourage your wife to do what sets her soul on fire. I promise you'll thank me for it.

Thank you all for reading, sharing and commenting on my posts. Your support means the world to me. And a special thank you to my sweet husband, who always encourages me to do what makes my heart sing. And for the sweet woman who gave me the encouragement that I needed and didn't even know it, you know who you are. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Xoxoxo,

Brittani