His Grace is Bigger than My Sin

The thought of writing this post has had my stomach in knots for weeks now. My heart has been conflicted with the thought of it until today when God spoke through someone else, and I knew I needed to obey what I already knew was right in my heart. I was discussing my story, my hopes and my dreams for this blog, and she reminded me that while writing this blog, and sharing my story, its not about ME. It's not about how "good" I look, or how much of a hero I am. I am not perfect, and never will I ever be. But there is ONE who is. And this blog is for HIM. I could have easily swept this under the rug, and never discussed it. That would be the easiest thing to do. But instead I have chosen to be open and honest. So without hesitation, I am ready to share this with you.

I couldn't catch my breath, my heart was beating fast, I couldn't believe what I was looking at. It was 7 days before my wedding as I sat in the bathroom staring at a positive pregnancy test. I was shocked. I was so incredibly happy that my dream to have more children was now a reality, but my excitement was quickly overshadowed by shame. This wasn't the plan. "What would people think of me now?" I claim to be a Christian, but here I am pregnant 7 days before my wedding. "What a hypocrite," I told myself. "You have no ground to stand on now, you can't write a blog."

That evening, with my hands shaking and my heart beating out of my chest, I told my, "soon to be Husband" (at the time), that we were pregnant and we cried tears of joy. He was shocked and completey overjoyed, but he too knew that it wasn't in the order that God intended. Shame continued to steal my joy and I beat myself up constantly and I was consumed with the thought of "What people will think of me?"

That night I got down on my knees, tears pouring from my eyes, and I asked for forgiveness from the Lord. I thanked Him for this precious baby, this wonderful gift that He had sent us. But I didn't feel worthy, I felt guilty. And in that moment of prayer, I realized that not once had I asked, "What does Jesus think of me?" I was concerned about what PEOPLE would think of me, but not what God thought of me. After all, I am living for him, not people.

The wonderful truth is, God has forgiven me. He has forgiven me, before I could gain the courage to even forgive myself. John 8:7 says, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." Every one of us has sinned and has fallen short of the glory of God. But it is God who loved us so much that He sent His son to die for our sins so that we may be forgiven. There is no greater love than this! I truly believe that God is using this brief moment in my life to humble me. To let believers AND unbelievers know that as Christians we fall short everyday. You may hide your sin to look perfect in the eyes of people, but you are not fooling The Lord. Proverbs 28:13 says, "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy."  

So am I justifying my sin because God forgives? Absolutely not. It is not a free pass to sin and ask for forgiveness, only to continue to fulfill your own desires. In John 8:11 Jesus tells a woman caught in adultry, " Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more." And just has he forgave that woman of her sins, he has forgiven me, AND HE CAN FORGIVE YOU. You might be heavily burdened with guilt or shame, for things that everyone can see, or for things that others may never see. Ask Him for forgiveness, to lift this heavy burden and ask Him help you forgive yourself, too.

I have nothing to gain from sharing this very personal story with you. I am a real woman, who tries very hard to live a life that honors God, but I am not and will never be perfect. And I will not sit behind this screen and pretend that I am something I am not. I know that I may be scrutinized for this post. I know that your view of me my change, I am prepared for that. But I am not willing to go about continuing to write this blog to honor my God, and not be completely transparent with those that know me and read this blog. 

In June of 2016, my husband and I will welcome a beautiful son or daughter into the world, and my stomach fills with butterflies in anticipation of seeing him or her for the first time. To hold this baby in my arms, where I wondered if I would ever have another baby of my own again. I was born to be a mother, and my husband, a father. This baby is already so loved and I wake up every morning and thank God for this tiny miracle growing in my tummy. I am so thankful, that His grace is bigger than my sin.

Thank you God, for making me a Mommy, AGAIN!!

 

XOXO,

 

Brittani

It Rained That Day

On the morning of our wedding, I woke up to a bride's worst nightmare, pouring rain. This wasn't a surprise to me as I had been checking the weather forecast for the last two weeks. My ceremony and reception were supposed to both be outdoors and I couldn't bear the thought of moving it inside. I didn't dwell on this though, and just like all other things in life, if God wanted it rain, it was going to rain. 

My matron of honor arrived early that morning and we drove to pick up my step-daughter, Sydney, from school so we could all go get our hair done. After spending 3 hours in the salon, we ran out to our car, in the pouring rain. We couldn't help but laugh about it, and I held out faith that God would clear up the skies just in time for the ceremony. 

    (Hair by Annette at Luxe Society Salon)

We spent the next few hours putting on makeup and dresses in the bridal suite. I looked at my curl-fallen hair in the mirror and thought about how if it was my first wedding, I would have been furious at the rain for ruining my hair and potentially my plans, but I see things differently now. Instead, I looked at my hair and thought about how it didn't matter that my hair wasn't perfect, because the man that I was about to marry wasn't in love with my hair, he was in love with ME. 

The chaos began when guests started to arrive, unsure of where to go because of the rain. The owner of the venue told me that it was still raining, and gave me my options for moving it inside. My heart was so set on getting married outside, but I didn't want my guests to be upset because they were getting rained on. As I teetered between inside or outside, my Matron of Honor looked directly at me said, "What do YOU want to do? This is your day, and all that matters is what YOU want." And just like that I decided that we were going to have it outside, rain or shine. That is what best friends are for.

The guests were finally seated, and there I stood at the entrance of the aisle, with not a drop of rain to be seen. The ground was soaking wet and everyone seemed to be concerned about my dress getting dirty, but me. As I turned the corner and saw 35 of my most favorite people in the world, I looked at my daddy and started to cry. They were tears of joy because I knew the old chapter of my life was ending, and a new one was beginning. 

As husband and wife, we made our way to the reception area, where we were greeted by our family and friends. We ate, we cut cake, we toasted, we danced, we laughed and we cried. By the end of the evening, my hair was a mixture between straight and curly, I was barefoot, my makeup was melted, and the bottom of my dress was wet and muddy, and I was happier than I had ever been.

 IT RAINED THAT DAY, and I wouldn't have changed a single thing. 

I'm definitely no expert on marriage, but after having two marriages and two weddings, I have learned a few things that I want to share with brides-to-be, and young women who dream of their future wedding day.

Don't get caught up in the details of the day. The amount of money that you spend, doesn't matter. The number of people that you invite, doesn't matter. Don't prepare more for your wedding day, than you do for your marriage. Things will not always be perfect, but that's the beauty of  LIFE. Don't be afraid to LIVE. Dance barefoot in the rain, under the stars. Get your dress dirty, you only wear it once. Hold each of those moments in your heart, hold him in your arms, and hold that memory in your mind. All the dreams you hold in your heart, and all the love that you hold for him, those dreams begin NOW. The best day of your life isn't today, but in every day that follows. Hold on to his hand, hold on to these moments, and never let them go. 

XOXO,

Brittani