Enough.

I cherish every day that I get to spend with Carter. As a single and working mom, there are 2-3 days a week where I don't get to see him. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out and that I'm not the mom that I  always thought I would be. Some days I'm on the verge of tears. I feel like I can't ever live up to this image of this "perfect mom" that I have created in my head.

She's the mom who's got it all together. Her hair is perfectly styled and her makeup is flawless. She always has on the cutest outfits and her children are always dressed to the T. Her home looks like something straight out of a magazine, and obviously her kids never make messes. Her home is clean, and the laundry is always done. She drinks smoothies and lives off salads, while her kids eat all of their vegetables. She spends her days making Pinterest projects with her kids, or taking them to elaborate entertainment events. Her kids never cry, whine or make a scene in public.

It has taken some time but I have realized that the "perfect mom" doesn't exist.

I've been beating myself up over not living up to this "perfect mom" image I had always imagined that I would be. Before I had my son, I remember saying how I would NEVER be one of "those" parent's that let my son play on the Ipad or Iphone. I was going to make home-made baby food and elaborate dinosaur shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He would NEVER sleep in my bed, and the paci would be gone by his first birthday. I would NEVER not do my hair or wear makeup. Instead, he sleeps with me often, and the we finally ditched the paci about a month ago. My hair could use fresh highlights, and doesn't get done but once or twice a week. My wardrobe consists of a few staple items that I interchange depending on what's clean. My son is usually dirty, or half naked. My bed is never made, there's toys everywhere and dishes in the sink. He eats cheetos for lunch and refuses to eat the rest of his food. There's pieces of play-doh all over my house from the last Pinterest project, and I can't afford elaborate entertainment events. WWII erupts if we can't find the huge double seated carts to sit in at Target, that I HATE to drive. I scold myself when I give in to the candy at the check-out counter. " A good mom wouldn't let him have candy." I scold myself when I allow him to sleep in "mommy's bed." " I'm such a bad mom, I shouldn't let him to sleep with me." I scold myself when he goes to bed later than his bedtime. "A good mom would have him in bed by 8."

So who is this "good mom"??

She's the one rocking a crying baby at 3am. The one crying because her baby won't stop crying. The one building forts when she still has piles of laundry to do. The one kissing boo boos and placing bandages on skinned knees. The one driving back and forth to swim and gymnastics lessons. The one cleaning up crushed goldfish after vacuuming. The one praying over a sick baby. The one making dinner from what's left in the pantry, because there's still three days until payday. The one playing with trucks when the house needs to be cleaned. The one cleaning yogurt out of the carpet, again. The one clapping after they go potty on the potty for the first time.  The one searching for a missing pacifier in the middle of the night. The one sewing an arm back on their favorite stuffed animal. The one bending down to wipe their tears away.

 It's me, and  It's YOU.

Sometimes you cry behind the bathroom door. Only to regain your composure as your little one bangs "Mommy!" on the door. You feel like you're failing. The image of this "perfect mom" is unattainable. You wonder if anyone understands the way you feel.  Everyone else seems to have it all together. What we sometimes forget is how quickly time goes by. Before you know it, your baby will no longer be a baby. One day, all your child will remember is the days you played trucks in the dirt, or built a fort in the living room. Sometimes Carter will come up to me and say, "Mommy build..." There might be cleaning to do or piles of laundry to be folded, but the smile on his little face when I  build tall towers out of blocks, is worth dropping the laundry duties for. 

I want you to know, weary momma, that God says you're ENOUGH. He doesn't compare you to this image that you have created in your head. He doesn't care if your home is clean, or if your hair is done. Before your children were born, he decided that you would be their mother. Do not compare yourself to anyone else, for there is no one else who can do this job the way you do. So when you're feeling overwhelmed, lean on the one who gave you the greatest job in the world, and drop the image that you have created of being the "perfect mom."

There will be so many times you feel like you've failed, but in the eyes, heart and mind of your child, you are super mom.

XOXO, 

Brittani

Our Story

I used to laugh when people asked how we met, and cough and mutter Match.com under my breath. Now I'm proud to admit it and have my fingers crossed for a spot on one of their commercials. However, it definitely didn't start out that way. The first date I went on was a disaster. I definitely ran into some characters after that, you'll have to ask me about them sometime. But after going on a few weird dates, I decided that Match wasn't for me. I deleted my account and chose not to date for awhile. I had decided to devote my time to being a mommy, and I was absolutely content with that. But a few months later, something urged me to give it one more try. I decided to give it a month, and be done if nothing happened. A few days later, I noticed that a very cute "baseball guy" had viewed my profile. Eventually we began texting back and forth, and I immediately remember thinking that there was something different about this guy, compared to the others I had met. After talking for a few days, he asked me if I would like to go on a date with him, and I obliged. He offered to pick me up and I declined. "I really don't want to die" I told him, "you could be a serial killer for all I know." He laughed and replied, "Well I'm not a serial killer, but that's very smart. I would hope that my own daughter would do the same." The truth was, I wasn't worried about him being a serial killer. I just wanted my own car, in the event that I needed an out....

We met at Luke, a fancy restaurant in downtown San Antonio. I honestly had high hopes for our date, but very low expectations based on past experiences. I remember walking down the street, not one bit nervous like I had been for other dates. But as soon as I walked in and saw him standing there, my stomach did a 180. We laugh about it now, but I remember thinking to myself, " Now that's a man..." 

I had never been to such a fancy restaurant in my life. I don't remember what I ate, or if I actually ate. We had some nasty "beet salad" and I pretended to like it, because I knew he was going to have to pay a pretty penny for it. But one thing was for sure, we couldn't stop talking. The conversation just flowed, almost like I had met him before. After hours of dinner conversation, we decided to take a walk by the river. After another hour of talking, it was finally time to call it a night. Because he was parked so far away, I drove him to his truck. And unlike the rest of my dates, he didn't try to make a move. He told me that he enjoyed the evening and that we would talk very soon. 

Well, one date led to a second, and a second led to a third. I started to become anxious about opening up about my past. He knew that I was divorced and had a child, but he didn't know the details of my painful past. He didn't know the pain that I still felt and the many scars that I had. I was afraid that he would run once he knew. I was afraid that it might be too much to handle, and I would understand if it was. But he didn't.

 

The first few months of dating were great. We learned more about each other, and had a blast on dates. But as time went on, I could feel myself building walls around my heart, I didn't want to get too close. I didn't want to let him in. I told myself that if I fell in love, I would risk feeling hurt and heartbreak again. My heart was too fragile, and to let those walls down would be a risk I didn't want to take. So I broke up with him, multiple times. He had every right to move on, to say that I was crazy. Most men would have done just that. But he understood what I was going through, and he was patient. Slowly, brick by brick he helped knock down those walls, until my heart was capable of love again. He spent many days and nights, holding me while I cried. He was there the second I needed him. He helped my heart heal in a way that I will never be able to thank him enough for. I once asked him why he stayed, when he had plenty of chances to run. And he said, "Because I could feel God telling me not to let her go..."

I will always remember this moment that I had, sitting at my sewing table late one night in the middle of the biggest struggle of my life. I had been crying out to God, saying "Why me God? Everything has been taken from me, surely you have a better plan for me?" I can still remember the calm I felt moments later, and it was as if God had wrapped his arms around me saying "Yes child, be patient." I held on to that promise, and I believe that he is nothing short of an answer to that prayer. He is patient, loving, caring, and kind. He is a wonderful father, and accepts my baby as his own. He is a respectful, humble, man of God. He's a shoulder to cry on, the one who makes me laugh, and he treats me like me like a Queen. He believes in me even when I don't. And I never thought I would find someone like him. 

Two nights ago, this wonderful man took me back to Luke, got down on one knee, and asked me to spend forever with him. And as I sit here looking down at this beautiful ring on my finger, I want to say that I am proof that our God knows exactly what he is doing. He's not a stranger to our future, and only He knows what's best for us. I'm so thankful that he knows better than I do. As we sat in the restaurant after I said "yes", with tears in my eyes, I raised my hands and said "Thank you God." There is no doubt, OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL. 

It's still all very surreal to me. After a very painful divorce and betrayal, I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to trust again. Afraid that I would never find a man who accepted Carter and I as a package. To find someone who truly loved ME. And I did. OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL.

It's exciting to know that I will be bride once again, but this time things will be different. I want a marriage that is more beautiful than my wedding. Knowing what I know now, it's easy for brides to become caught up in planning the perfect "Pinterest worthy" wedding. They put more effort into the wedding, than they do preparing their relationship for marriage. Don't get me wrong, I want to have a beautiful wedding. But not one that is more beautiful than my marriage. 

To this day, I would not change what I have been through to get to where I am now. I want to be an example to our children of what marriage really is. I know that marriage is not easy. I know there will be times that are hard. But with God as the center of our marriage, I believe that we can make it through whatever this world throws our way. 

Thank you everyone for all of your well wishes, love and support. The love that we have received is overwhelming. To each and every one of you, thank you from the bottom of our hearts!!! 

Stay tuned....... 

Xoxoxo, 

Brittani