My Life Isn't Perfect and Neither is Yours

I absolutely love sitting outside in the evenings, watching my little guy play and just enjoying the fresh air. It's just my way of relaxing and clearing my head before the day is over. However, "clearing" my head often means, overthinking every situation that has happened from my birth until right now (not exagerrating). I created this blog with hopes of being a light of inspiration for others who might be going through those days where you have no where else to turn. I don't claim to know it all. In fact, I know VERY little. But what I do know, is what it's like to cry yourself to sleep night after night. To wonder how you're going to make it through another day and to think there's no way you'll ever be happy again. And because of my very real relationship with Jesus, I also know what's it's like on the other side. To fall asleep smiling, to wake up excited for a new day, and to feel joy and hope and happiness again. 

With that being said, I don't ever want people to look at me at think, "That girl has it all together", because I don't. I still cry, I still get mad, I still have insecurities and I still question God when I don't understand. I've always tried to be very real and honest in my blog posts, even if what I have to say isn't always the easiest to talk about. I believe that it takes guts to talk about the "messy parts" of your story. It's never easy and it always hurts, so we choose to hide it deep down and prefer not to dig it up. The outside of your life might look great, but it's the inside that's not always as pretty as we want others to see. The same can be said of social media, where we only showcase the very best parts of lives for others to see. I'll be the first to admit that I'm guilty of this. But what I am more guilty of, is looking at other people's pictures and thinking their life is perfect compared to mine. I see girls with expensive outfits, flawless bodies, immaculate houses, and happy marriages. Don't get me wrong, those things are all great! But what we get caught up in is thinking that their lives are perfect, while thinking that our lives are less than. This is a constant struggle for me, and I know it is for many others as well. 

So I have some confessions to make.... Here's what was really going on when I posted these pictures on social media. 

This was taken THE DAY AFTER I found out that my life would never be the same. My heart was completely shattered inside, but you'd never know it from the outside.

I always dreaded going to sleep alone, so I would stay up into the late hours of the night and early morning, just to avoid it. 

Just minutes after posting this picture, Carter was bitten in the face by my dog at the time. It was THE scariest moment of my life as a mother. 

My divorce was final on this day. There's no way to really understand this feeling, unless you've been through it. 

This pie was anything but an easy process. I wasn't wearing a cute little apron and dancing around while birds chirped outside my window.  My son was throwing brand-new toilet paper rolls I had just bought, into the sink water. He added an extra cup of sugar to the crust and spilt water and flour all over the counter. And then threw-up (not near the pie) all before the pie was ready to go in the oven.

So why am I telling you these things? Because things aren't always as they seem! Am I saying that we should all start posting about our personal lives and the negative things about our days all over social media? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But what we should all keep in mind is that NO ONE'S life is perfect. What if you knew that the girl with the immaculate home, her marriage is falling apart? That girl with the beautiful marriage, she can't get pregnant. That girl with the amazing wardrobe, she just lost her job. That girl with the flawless body, she's battling depression. The list could go on and on, because no ones life is as perfect as it seems.

It truly breaks my heart when I see young girls posting things that say, "You're perfect" or "Can I just be you??" Or "___ goals" on social media pictures. GIRLS, God made you, YOU!! He doesn't make mistakes, He made you just how he wanted you. The number of "likes" on your photo does not determine how valuable you are or how much God loves you. He gave you gifts, talents, hopes and dreams that are unique to only you! And he gave them to you for His purpose. Imagine if we put more emphasis on using our God given gifts to serve Him, rather than wishing we were living in someone else's life. God wants you to be the best YOU that you can be. 

I don't say any of this to deter you from posting on social media, because I LOVE posting pictures! But lets stop making assumptions about other's lives, which only plants seeds of discontentment in your heart. So the next time you see my pictures, just assume that my home isn't really THAT clean, I just cropped out the toys and a huge pile of laundry. I probably haven't slept or washed my hair in 3 days, I'm wearing the same outfit from the day before, and I've probably got some huge decision or situation lying heavily on my heart. And I'll go ahead and guess that your life probably looks a lot like mine.  

So I hope that you will join me this week, in doing away with that "Perfect Life Filter" that doesn't really exist. Because my life isn't perfect, and neither is yours. 

Have a wonderful week!!

Much love,

Brittani 

Letting Go of The List

I spent the most wonderful weekend with my favorite boy, outside enjoying our beautiful Texas weather. We took walks to the neighborhood park, played with sidewalk chalk, played golf in the front yard, drove in his "big boy" car, and finished the days with ice cream. He loves to be outside, and I can't tell you how thankful I am that we now have a yard for us to play in, from sun-up to sun-down. 

I loaded up Carter and his sidekick, Marlowe, and we headed out for our first morning walk around the neighborhood. Carter was content, happily watching people outside mowing their lawns, waving at neighbors on their morning jog, and informing me every time we passed a yard with dogs that they were "barking". I couldn't help but think to myself how content I was. How grateful I was to have a job that allows me to be home with Carter more than most single moms. How thankful I was to have a home, in a wonderful and safe neighborhood. But somewhere in the middle of that walk, I realized why I felt so content. I had finally let go of "The List". 

You know when you go for a job interview and they ask the infamous question, "So where do you see yourself in 5 years?" That's the list I'm referring to. If you had asked me that question 5 years ago, here's what I would have said. 

"I would like to be married by age 22, with 3 or 4 children before I'm 30 and live  in a beautiful home. I would like to have a nursing degree so that I can work in the future, but I'd really like to be a "stay at home mom" while my kids are young." 

That was MY list and I was sticking to it. But a little over a year into my marriage and shortly after Carter was born, that "list" was torn to pieces. I suddenly found myself as a single mom, working full-time, divorced at the age of 23. Shaking my fist at God, I remember thinking, "Hello God?? This was not on my list! Do you even care? What am I supposed to do now?" 

I will admit, I like to be in control. I want to plan things out. I want to be prepared. I'm afraid of the unknown. And I'm impatient. So, I made a new list. But I soon realized that my list and God's list weren't lining up, again. The more that I sought His will, the more I could feel Him taking me out of my comfort zone. But still, I couldn't let my "list" go. It wasn't until one day, while listening to the  Redeemed Girl podcast (which I HIGHLY RECOMMEND), I felt convicted. The message was about wishing away the season of life that you're in. And that's exactly what I was doing. I was wasting away this season of my life living in comparison and in bitterness. I was saying, "I have not this, so God you are not good." I was so focused on my list that I was wasting away this season of my life that is actually a gift. I knew that I could believe to see it as such, or I could believe the voice of the evil one, robbing me of my peace, my joy and my purpose. 

I realized that no matter what my "list" looks like, God's list will always prevail. So that day, I threw my list away. That mental list of when I would be married, have children, own a house, etc. I left it in his hands and I haven't looked back. Do I still want to be married and have children some day? Of course! But I've left that in God's hands, because HIS timing is perfect. In the meantime, He is calling me out of my comfort zone to do things that were never on my list.  I have stopped wishing away this season of my life, learning a lot about myself and the God who created me, and embracing the path that He  has designed for me. And I have never felt more content. 

Proverbs 19:21 says 

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." 

Maybe you're watching everyone else get engaged or married, but your "Prince Charming" is no where to be found. Maybe you are longing for a child and everyone else but you is pregnant. Whatever your situation might be, I challenge you to throw your "list" away. To put your life, hopes, dreams, and goals in God's hands. Don't make your list and then ask him to bless it. Surrender it to him and ask for Him to guide you along the way. You will never know what you might be missing out on if you decide to follow your own list. If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, it's that HIS PLAN IS BETTER. I can promise that you will feel a sense of peace and contentment knowing that your life is perfectly "on schedule" according to his plan. HIS timing is perfect. 

I hope you all have a wonderful week! 

Much Love, 

Brittani 

Running Late with No Place to Be

If you know me personally, you will know that I recently moved into a new house! Well it's "new" to me that is. After living in four different apartments, finally being in a house is still very surreal to me. The move went very smoothly, and I have my family to thank for all their help (and muscles). 

The evening of the move, everything had been moved into the house, but we realized that Carter's crib would not fit through his door and would need to be taken apart. However, the tools were still at my apartment and it was getting late. I told my family to go home and I would get the tools and do it myself. By the time I started to take it apart, it was close to 10pm. By then, I was completely exhausted. Not to mention I was still recovering from the dreaded stomach virus that seems to be going around. Carter was still awake, and it had been a long day for him as well. So naturally, we were a ticking time bomb. Finally, after what seemed like 100 screws later, I had one side of the crib railing off, but it still wouldn't fit through the door. The next side of the crib seemed to pose a bigger problem. The screws were so tight and the wrench wouldn't fit in between the slats. In the meantime, Carter had secretly stolen a lipstick from my purse and was applying it to his lips, AND my new carpet. That was the last straw. The tears started to flow. I was tired, I was overwhelmed, I was angry. Angry because the screws were too tight, angry because I didn't have a husband to do these "man tasks", angry because I was doing it by myself. I didn't understand. God gave me a home, but this isn't the way that it was supposed to be in my head. I mean, I had it all planned out didn't I?? This isn't the way I had envisioned the first night in my first home, crying over a crib. 

Finally I decided to put Carter in my bed and lay with him until he fell asleep. This never happens because he doesn't want to go to sleep if I'm laying with him. I laid down on my bed for the first time all day. He snuggled up in my arms along with his 6 "friends" taking up the majority of my king sized bed. In the silence and in the darkness of my new room, I could feel God whisper softly to me. He had given me this home. He had given me the finances, the job, the perfect situation and he had made this home available for me because it was HIS plan. Most of all, He gave me that precious little boy snuggled up in my arms, already fast asleep. I wanted to get up, I wanted to get that crib in his room, I wanted to get unpacked. The chaos and unorganization was driving me crazy. But I didn't NEED to do any of that. What was I in a hurry for?? To unpack a box so I could put some plates in the cabinet? To hang a picture on a wall, or rearrange my furniture? All of that could wait.

Most of the time, I find myself NOT wanting to be still. Our culture wants us to believe that being "busy" is a good thing. I feel guilty taking time to just sit and be still. There's always laundry to be done, cleaning to be done, grocery shopping to be done, errands to run and the list is never-ending. But God wants us to be still! He craves our time and attention and to BE STILL and know that he is God! How can we hear when he is speaking to us if we're too busy to stop and listen? Your dirty dishes can wait. Your laundry can wait. You can clean the house later. What are we in a hurry for?? 

So many times I find myself looking so far into the future that I forget to live for today. Sit down and play with your children. For tomorrow they will be another day older. Rock them to sleep because tomorrow they might outgrow your lap. Kiss their boo boos because one day they won't ask you anymore. Let them take all 6 stuffed animals in the car, because one day you'll miss it. Let them make messes and get dirty. The memories will be worth the cleanup. 

Just as our children long for our time, our Heavenly Father also longs to spend time with his children. Just as one of my favorite worship songs goes, 

HE is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane and I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy

And oh, how he loves us, oh 

Oh how he loves us

He is jealous for YOU! 

So as I laid there in the darkness, my baby in my arms, I felt a calm come over me. I had finally sat down long enough, that in the stillness I felt at peace. So what did I have to be angry about? Nothing. This was God's plan. And I thank him everyday for all that he has provided me with, including my new wonderful home. My God, who created my innermost being, wants me to be STILL in the hustle and bustle of this life, and talk to him. He cares about every detail of your life. Psalm 55:22 says 

Cast your cares on The Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. 

Are you running late with no place to be? This week, I encourage you slow down and be still. I promise you won't regret it. 

Much love, 

Brittani

Respire Haiti

About 5 months ago, God had placed the desire in my heart to go on a small mission trip. I'll be honest, the idea was a little intimidating at first. I thought that maybe the desire would just fade away, but it only grew stronger, confirming that it was much more than just MY idea. Then one evening, while standing in my kitchen, I began thinking to myself, "What is God trying to teach me right now? What does he want from me during this season of my life?" Slowly, I have begun to realize that this season of my life is about growing my relationship with HIM, and learning to fully TRUST Him. And that means trusting him with every decision and in every area of my life. 

Being a pediatric nurse, I feel that He is calling me to step out of my box and take the gift of compassion and knowledge that He has given me, and use it to further His kingdom. I know that there are so many ministries that work with children in orphanages and many that are in need of nurses, but I had no idea which one to choose. I had considered a few, but I couldn't commit to one. I just couldn't find the one that felt "right". After praying for months and asking God to make it clear where it is he wanted me to go, I finally got my answer. 

A very good friend of mine, Nich, had recently moved to Haiti. A little over a week ago, I got a text message from him that read, 

"Thinking of you today! Sending prayers from Haiti." 

We small talked a little, and then I asked him if it would ever be possible for me to come to Haiti? I thought that maybe it was a long shot, but something was urging me to ask. And this was his reply.... 

"That's not even a question at all!! Brittani! That would be SO doable." 

It's amazing the way that God works. This was the confirmation I was hoping for. 

To understand more about the ministry, he encouraged me to read the book "Miracle on Voodoo Mountain", a book written by the amazing young woman who started the ministry, Respire, that he is a part of. I URGE you to read this captivating story of this young woman whom God is using in such a mighty way. The desire in my heart to visit Haiti has deepened even more after finishing this book. I just couldn't put it down and ended up finishing it in one day, it was incredible. 

I have interviewed Nich so you can get a glimpse of what it's like to serve The Lord in Haiti. And if it's God's will, I will be headed there in May!! Please continue to be in prayer for him and the rest of the Respire ministry. Nich is also 100% support based, and If you feel that The Lord has put it on your heart to help support him, please gather his information at the end of his interview. 

Here we go!  

So Nich, I guess we should start out by saying how we know each other…

Well, we met each other in fourth grade, when your family moved to La Vernia, and we quickly became friends.  If I remember correctly, our passion to become world-renowned zoologists together is what we initially bonded over.  Through the years, our passions and pursuits may have changed, but our friendship only grew deeper!

When did you first realize that God was calling you to live in Haiti?  Have you always wanted to do that?

I first visited Haiti last summer (2014) as part of my role with Champions Special Ministries, a non-profit organization based out of Kansas City that serves individuals with special needs.  We worked at a special needs orphanage in Port-au-Prince for about a week, before coming back to the states for a summer of ministry across the Midwest.

At the end of the summer, I moved back to Dallas, TX to finish my Master’s Degree in Christian Education.  I worked diligently to finish my degree, find a job, and develop my ideal “five-year plan,” but the Lord never gave me a sense of peace about it all.  In September, God really began to ignite a fire in my heart for the people of Haiti.  Almost every day, the Lord would interrupt my prayers, my journaling, and my Bible reading with visions of Haiti and its people.  To be honest, I remember thinking it was frustrating, that God would interrupt my quiet times in such fashion.  I knew the Spirit was nudging my heart, but day after day, I didn’t want to believe the calling he was speaking over my life.

So, to answer your question:  No.  Haiti was never really on my radar.  It all happened pretty quickly.  God has a funny way of doing that.

Was it hard to give up everything you knew in order to follow what God was telling you to do?

Once I gave God my yes, I received confirmation after confirmation that I had made the right decision.  For example, one day I randomly bumped into a friend I hadn’t talked to in months.  As we made small talk, she said, “What are you doing after you finish school in December?”  When I told her I was moving to Haiti, her eyes could not have possibly grown any bigger.  When I questioned her reaction, she said, “Nich, that makes so much sense.  I have been having dreams for the past few weeks about you in Haiti.”

That was just one example of many I could reference.  In light of the confirmation I received from friends and family, and the peace I experienced from the Father, giving up everything became a no-brainer, because I knew I would never regret being obedient to God.

Can you tell us a little about the ministry that you are a part of?

Sure.  Founded in 2011, Respire (Res-per-ray) Haiti serves to encourage, educate, and empower restaveks (slave children), orphans and vulnerable children in Haiti.  Located in Gressier, about 20 miles west of Port-au-Prince, Respire Haiti runs a Christian school of over 500 students, most of which are restaveks, in a culture where less than 50% of children attend school.  Respire Haiti also operates community feeding and discipleship programs.

What does a typical day look like for you in Haiti?

Every day looks a little bit different around here.  In Haiti, you learn to expect the unexpected.  You also learn to wear many hats.  My main roles at Respire include spiritual formation (making disciples and mentoring young teens, preaching on Sundays, creating Bible studies), working with children who have special needs, and providing tennis lessons.

Like I said, my schedule varies from day to day, but I can do my best to give you a snapshot of a typical day in Haiti.  I usually wake up around 5 a.m., in order to spend some alone time with Jesus (read my Bible, pray, and journal).  Around 7:15 a.m., I walk up Bellevue Mountain to go to school.  It’s about a 20-minute walk.  During the morning, I work with students one-on-one in the special needs classroom.  Early afternoons are usually spent studying for and preparing my Sunday message.  I teach tennis lessons between 3-5 p.m up on the mountain on a makeshift tennis court.  And any spare time I have, I try to spend with the young kids and teens of the community.  I am usually in bed by 8 p.m.

What is/are the biggest needs that Haiti has?

The needs of Haiti are seemingly endless.  Haiti is the poorest country in the western hemisphere, so the physical needs are obvious.  Most people do not have access to food, clean water, or medicine.  Lack of education is another huge problem.

The greatest need, and the one I care about most, is the need for Jesus’ perfect love to push back generations of darkness.  I believe with all my heart that He is Haiti’s (and the world’s)only hope.  Haiti is a very dark country, spiritually speaking.  In fact, the mountain I live on is actually known as Voodoo Mountain.  Animal sacrifices and satanic worship are common. I have witnessed countless beatings of children.  I have heard horrible stories of rape and violence inflicted on young girls and children.  I have seen children avoid another child with special needs, because special children are viewed as “cursed.”

My heart breaks the most for the young men of Gressier, Haiti.  I remember coming to Haiti in June and seeing so many women in the orphanage where we stayed.  “Where are the men?” I thought.  That was the question that burdened me the most back in September, when the Spirit was pulling my heart towards this country.  Women are naturally nurturing.  It comes so easily for most of them.  Men, on the other hand, aren’t nurturers by nature.  Establishing relationships and intentionally pouring into them day after day is not a strong gift most men possess. It is incredibly rare to find that kind of mature and Godly man in Haiti.  That’s not a dis on this country or its men.  That’s just reality.

Sometimes we’re the answers to our own prayers.  I knew the need in Haiti was great, for love, affection, and strong Godly role models.  I knew how hungry these kids were, to feel wanted, to feel cherished and valued, especially by a male figure.  And I had faith that God could move through me, and could magnify His perfect love through my imperfections.  The Bible says our faith can move mountains.  I want to see this mountain moved from darkness to light, and I believe that is going to happen one child at a time.  Jesus changed the world with Twelve.  Surely I can have an impact on this mountain.

How can we help support you and your ministry?

The first and most important way you can support me is via prayer. I desperately need the strength of the Father, the power of the Spirit, and the love of Jesus, in order to have any shot of being effective in ministry.  Pray for my learning of Haitian Creole.  Pray for my relationship with the young men of Gressier, Haiti.  Pray for my faith, that the joy of the Lord would be my strength.  Pray for patience, understanding, and a forgiving spirit.  Pray for my dependence on Jesus.

Also, if you feel so led, please consider partnering with me financially.  You can email me to find out more about how to do this. I have provided my personal email below.

Is there anything you would like to add?

If you’re interested in how God is moving in Haiti, and in particular, how he is moving in Gressier, please feel free to follow my journey at beautyonthemountain.wordpress.com … You can also find Megan Boudreaux’s (the founder of Respire Haiti) book, Miracle on Voodoo Mountain at any book store.  It is a powerfully inspiring read.

If you have any other questions or comments, or you would like to find out more about supporting me financially, please email me at bergstrom.nich@gmail.com

Thank you Brittani for taking the time to feature me on your blog.  It’s an honor and a privilege to be a part of your inspiring website.

 

‘Til the World Knows,

Nich

Angel Gowns

I remember the day that I first saw it, beautifully hanging on the store mannequin. I had been looking for only a few days but I knew I would know what I wanted when I saw it. The consultant took it off the mannequin for me and I slipped into the dressing room to try it on. I walked out of the dressing room and looked in the mirror. It was beautiful. The bodice was entirely beaded, and when the light hit it just right, it sparkled. The corset back and long satin train gave it the elegant "princess" touch that I had always dreamed of. With tears of joy streaming down my face, I said "YES" to my wedding dress.

 

Fast forward a few years and that beautiful dress is tucked away in my closet, in a preservation box, untouched since my wedding day. You don't really think about what you'll do with your "dream dress" after the big day. I always thought maybe I would give it to my daughter, if I had one, although I'm sure she would have her own style and taste when it came her time. But when a marriage doesn't work out, looking back at your wedding dress brings about many mixed emotions. After much thought, I decided I would try to sell it. To be honest, I didn't try very hard. I wanted it to go to the "right" person, and I just didn't feel like I had found that person. Then one night, while at bible study, I brought up my wedding dress. I'm not sure why the topic came up, but there's a reason that it did. 

A good friend of mine began to tell me that her church was collecting wedding dresses to make burial gowns for babies who don't come home from the hospital.  She said that if I wanted to donate it, she would take it for me. Without hesitation, I knew that this is what I wanted to do. To know that my dress, that made me feel so beautiful, would be made into the wedding dress (or tux) that a baby angel would never grow up to wear. I have never lost a baby, and I pray that I never will. But having a younger brother in heaven who was a stillborn, I know that someone like my mother would have appreciated such a gesture. I can only imagine that amongst the grief that the family feels after the loss of their baby, having a gown for them is one less thing that they will have to think about. My prayer is that my gown will help acknowledge how precious that baby's life was. The truth is, like most brides, my dress was worn for maybe a total of 10 hours, and it made me feel beautiful and special during that time. But nothing can compare to how beautiful my dress will look on these precious babies as they greet their Heavenly Father who has called them home. 

I've been asked if I have mixed feelings, or if it's sad for me to let go of my dress. And I can honestly answer that by saying "no". I have to thank my Nannan (my grandma) who bought me the wedding dress of my dreams. I will always be grateful for her love and generosity. The truth is that no one can predict the future, and a failed marriage or not, a dress is just a dress. And if it's in God's plan, I might wear another wedding dress some day. But for now, this dress will serve a much greater purpose than sitting in a box, in my closet, collecting dust. These precious little angels will look more beautiful in their gowns, than I ever possibly could have. 

If you are interested in donating your wedding dress to this wonderful cause, visit nicuhelpinghands.org or email me at wittybritty0413@gmail.com. Very pale colored prom or bridesmaid dresses in colors light blue, light pink and light purple are also accepted. 

Xoxoxo, 

Brittani