Dear Carter

I apologize for being so MIA lately. I've been wanting to write this post for weeks now, but the timing just wasn't right. So now I sit with the words I want to say overflowing from my heart and I'm ready to share this with you. And of course with Carter, as I hope this is something that he will cherish one day.

DISCLAIMER: You might want to grab some tissues. 

Dear Carter, 

As I sit here in the dark rocking you to sleep, with your nose so stuffy that you can barely breathe, and your little arms wrapped around my neck, I can't begin to tell you how much I love you. You gave me a run for my money today. Throwing a fit in Target, flushing wads of toilet paper to clog up the toilet, and spilling yogurt all over yourself and the rug, twice. But in every moment, no matter how trying, there will never be a time when I will not love you. From the early morning of July 27, 2012 at the very moment that I saw that plus sign, I have loved you. I loved you when you made me sick, gave me terrible heartburn, and kicked me so hard I thought you would kick right through my skin. Everyday that my belly grew, my heart grew with love for you. The anticipation of meeting you was almost more than I could bear. Finally, on April 13, 2013 at 3:34pm, I fell in love with you. From the moment they placed you in my arms, I wanted to protect you from the world. I had no idea what it took to be a good mother, or if I would even be good mother, but I wanted to be the best for you. 

The early days were hard. I vividly remember laying on the couch with you on my chest because it was the only way you would sleep. I would cry, when you cried. I was exhausted, and you were stubborn. It took awhile, but eventually we got the hang of it. I dreaded the day that I had to go back to school. I cried because I had to leave you, and even thought about not finishing so I could be with you. But God knew our future, and He held my hand and guided me through school, for you. He knew that it wouldn't be our toughest battle. 

Every Sunday, I meet your daddy so that you can spend a few days with him while I go to work. These days are the hardest. I tell myself the whole way there that I will not cry when I drop you off. I tell you that I love you so much, and you say " I uv you so much." I am able to choke back tears until I get on the highway. Two days seems like an eternity, but I am so grateful that your father loves you just as much as I do, and I know that you also enjoy your time with him. You see, although we are not married to each other, we have something in common and that is we both equally love you more than you could ever imagine.

I struggle with feelings that I have let you down. I wanted your life to be perfect, because you deserve that. To protect you from every little thing that might hurt you, or let you down. But I want you to know, that life will not always go your way. You're going to get knocked down time after time and sometimes you're going to want to lie there and not get up. I want you to know that it's ok to cry. To get angry. To not understand. And I might not always be able to fix it, but I promise to always be the hand that pulls you up, every time. God made you a very head-strong boy, but I pray that you will always seek God's will for your life. He always knows what's best for you, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. I thank God everyday that he has made me your mom, and there is nothing you could ever do to change that. 

There are many nights where I tuck you in and close the door behind me and I stand there with tears steaming down my face. You're growing so fast and I don't ever want to forget these moments. I scan over the day and think of the little moments that I might have overlooked. When you hold out your hand for me to kiss your "boo-boo" or hang on my leg until I pick you up or cuddle in my arms when you're sick. Because one day it will be the last time for each of those things and I don't ever want to forget. I look forward to every "first" with you and you will never have a bigger fan than me. 

I wrote you this letter so that you will never forget just how much I love you. Just in case a day comes where I am not able to remind you just how much you mean to me. You will never fully understand just how much I love you. You literally saved my life. You make me laugh when I want to cry. You have made me selfless and patient. You keep joy in my heart. You keep me on my toes. You make me a better person. You are the best gift that God could ever give, and I am blessed that he chose me to be your mom. 

  

I love you Carter. 

Love, 

Mommy