His Grace is Bigger than My Sin

The thought of writing this post has had my stomach in knots for weeks now. My heart has been conflicted with the thought of it until today when God spoke through someone else, and I knew I needed to obey what I already knew was right in my heart. I was discussing my story, my hopes and my dreams for this blog, and she reminded me that while writing this blog, and sharing my story, its not about ME. It's not about how "good" I look, or how much of a hero I am. I am not perfect, and never will I ever be. But there is ONE who is. And this blog is for HIM. I could have easily swept this under the rug, and never discussed it. That would be the easiest thing to do. But instead I have chosen to be open and honest. So without hesitation, I am ready to share this with you.

I couldn't catch my breath, my heart was beating fast, I couldn't believe what I was looking at. It was 7 days before my wedding as I sat in the bathroom staring at a positive pregnancy test. I was shocked. I was so incredibly happy that my dream to have more children was now a reality, but my excitement was quickly overshadowed by shame. This wasn't the plan. "What would people think of me now?" I claim to be a Christian, but here I am pregnant 7 days before my wedding. "What a hypocrite," I told myself. "You have no ground to stand on now, you can't write a blog."

That evening, with my hands shaking and my heart beating out of my chest, I told my, "soon to be Husband" (at the time), that we were pregnant and we cried tears of joy. He was shocked and completey overjoyed, but he too knew that it wasn't in the order that God intended. Shame continued to steal my joy and I beat myself up constantly and I was consumed with the thought of "What people will think of me?"

That night I got down on my knees, tears pouring from my eyes, and I asked for forgiveness from the Lord. I thanked Him for this precious baby, this wonderful gift that He had sent us. But I didn't feel worthy, I felt guilty. And in that moment of prayer, I realized that not once had I asked, "What does Jesus think of me?" I was concerned about what PEOPLE would think of me, but not what God thought of me. After all, I am living for him, not people.

The wonderful truth is, God has forgiven me. He has forgiven me, before I could gain the courage to even forgive myself. John 8:7 says, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." Every one of us has sinned and has fallen short of the glory of God. But it is God who loved us so much that He sent His son to die for our sins so that we may be forgiven. There is no greater love than this! I truly believe that God is using this brief moment in my life to humble me. To let believers AND unbelievers know that as Christians we fall short everyday. You may hide your sin to look perfect in the eyes of people, but you are not fooling The Lord. Proverbs 28:13 says, "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy."  

So am I justifying my sin because God forgives? Absolutely not. It is not a free pass to sin and ask for forgiveness, only to continue to fulfill your own desires. In John 8:11 Jesus tells a woman caught in adultry, " Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more." And just has he forgave that woman of her sins, he has forgiven me, AND HE CAN FORGIVE YOU. You might be heavily burdened with guilt or shame, for things that everyone can see, or for things that others may never see. Ask Him for forgiveness, to lift this heavy burden and ask Him help you forgive yourself, too.

I have nothing to gain from sharing this very personal story with you. I am a real woman, who tries very hard to live a life that honors God, but I am not and will never be perfect. And I will not sit behind this screen and pretend that I am something I am not. I know that I may be scrutinized for this post. I know that your view of me my change, I am prepared for that. But I am not willing to go about continuing to write this blog to honor my God, and not be completely transparent with those that know me and read this blog. 

In June of 2016, my husband and I will welcome a beautiful son or daughter into the world, and my stomach fills with butterflies in anticipation of seeing him or her for the first time. To hold this baby in my arms, where I wondered if I would ever have another baby of my own again. I was born to be a mother, and my husband, a father. This baby is already so loved and I wake up every morning and thank God for this tiny miracle growing in my tummy. I am so thankful, that His grace is bigger than my sin.

Thank you God, for making me a Mommy, AGAIN!!

 

XOXO,

 

Brittani

It Rained That Day

On the morning of our wedding, I woke up to a bride's worst nightmare, pouring rain. This wasn't a surprise to me as I had been checking the weather forecast for the last two weeks. My ceremony and reception were supposed to both be outdoors and I couldn't bear the thought of moving it inside. I didn't dwell on this though, and just like all other things in life, if God wanted it rain, it was going to rain. 

My matron of honor arrived early that morning and we drove to pick up my step-daughter, Sydney, from school so we could all go get our hair done. After spending 3 hours in the salon, we ran out to our car, in the pouring rain. We couldn't help but laugh about it, and I held out faith that God would clear up the skies just in time for the ceremony. 

    (Hair by Annette at Luxe Society Salon)

We spent the next few hours putting on makeup and dresses in the bridal suite. I looked at my curl-fallen hair in the mirror and thought about how if it was my first wedding, I would have been furious at the rain for ruining my hair and potentially my plans, but I see things differently now. Instead, I looked at my hair and thought about how it didn't matter that my hair wasn't perfect, because the man that I was about to marry wasn't in love with my hair, he was in love with ME. 

The chaos began when guests started to arrive, unsure of where to go because of the rain. The owner of the venue told me that it was still raining, and gave me my options for moving it inside. My heart was so set on getting married outside, but I didn't want my guests to be upset because they were getting rained on. As I teetered between inside or outside, my Matron of Honor looked directly at me said, "What do YOU want to do? This is your day, and all that matters is what YOU want." And just like that I decided that we were going to have it outside, rain or shine. That is what best friends are for.

The guests were finally seated, and there I stood at the entrance of the aisle, with not a drop of rain to be seen. The ground was soaking wet and everyone seemed to be concerned about my dress getting dirty, but me. As I turned the corner and saw 35 of my most favorite people in the world, I looked at my daddy and started to cry. They were tears of joy because I knew the old chapter of my life was ending, and a new one was beginning. 

As husband and wife, we made our way to the reception area, where we were greeted by our family and friends. We ate, we cut cake, we toasted, we danced, we laughed and we cried. By the end of the evening, my hair was a mixture between straight and curly, I was barefoot, my makeup was melted, and the bottom of my dress was wet and muddy, and I was happier than I had ever been.

 IT RAINED THAT DAY, and I wouldn't have changed a single thing. 

I'm definitely no expert on marriage, but after having two marriages and two weddings, I have learned a few things that I want to share with brides-to-be, and young women who dream of their future wedding day.

Don't get caught up in the details of the day. The amount of money that you spend, doesn't matter. The number of people that you invite, doesn't matter. Don't prepare more for your wedding day, than you do for your marriage. Things will not always be perfect, but that's the beauty of  LIFE. Don't be afraid to LIVE. Dance barefoot in the rain, under the stars. Get your dress dirty, you only wear it once. Hold each of those moments in your heart, hold him in your arms, and hold that memory in your mind. All the dreams you hold in your heart, and all the love that you hold for him, those dreams begin NOW. The best day of your life isn't today, but in every day that follows. Hold on to his hand, hold on to these moments, and never let them go. 

XOXO,

Brittani

One Year-Thank You!

This week marks the one year anniversary of my blog! It's so hard to believe that something that started as a therapeutic outlet for me, has taken off way more than I could have possibly imagined. With over 33,000 views, this little blog is reaching those from not only the United States, but Canada, Mexico, Germany, France, Brazil and many, many more regions of the world. I started this blog with my mission being, "If God can use me to change one person's life with my story, then everything I endured would be worth it." I had no idea what I was getting myself into, and how much I wanted to put myself out there, but I took a leap of faith and I am so thankful that I listened. I have received countless messages, calls and text messages saying how one post helped someone through the day or touched them in some way. I've even been stopped in public by people I don't even know who have read my blog! Some people may know part of my story, some people may know all of my story. But the best and most important part of my story is that God took a young girl, so incredibly broken, and He made her into something so much more beautiful than she was before. 

I just want to tell each and every one of you "THANK YOU " from the bottom of my heart, for reading, commenting, liking and sharing my blog posts and for your continued outpouring of love and support. I could never fully tell you all just how much it means to me. I do not take credit however, for any of my posts. God gave me a gift that I didn't even realize I had, and showed me how to use it in a way that I would have never imagined.

What I have learned this past year is that God often uses our deepest pain as the launching pad of our greatest calling. He has placed new dreams and desires in my heart that would have never been there before. In my heart, I know that I did not go through such a difficult and painful journey, to keep my story to myself. It has become a dream of mine to write a book, and I am in the beginning stages of writing a book proposal. I understand that it can be a difficult and trying process and it may take years,  but if this is truly a God given desire, then I know he will make it happen!

Posts may be sparse over the next few weeks, because I am getting married in 15 days and things are getting busy around here, and following the wedding we will be going on a honeymoon cruise! But please stay tuned, I'm so ready to see what year number two brings!

Thank you again. Each and every one of you.

XOXOXO,
Brittani

The Real Love Story

It's still a very surreal feeling that I will be getting married in 4 weeks. The days are flying by and before I know it I will be walking down the aisle to marry the man whom I will share my life with.  I feel very emotional as I reflect on the journey that I've been on, to be where I am today. I want to relish in the blessings that God has given me and for this wonderful season in my life, but I have learned that it's in the suffering that we truly come to realize just how good our God is. 

Last Sunday, my Fiance and I went to church, the church that I have attended for many years. During worship, the altar was open for anyone to come and pray. Jeff took my hand and motioned for the front of the church as he had many times before. But this time, as he got down on his knees and prayed, I heard him say these words. "Lord please help me to be the Godly leader of our family." My eyes immediately welled up with tears and my heart felt so full I thought it might burst. And then, like a ton of bricks, I remembered that I had been here so many times before. And right there, on that same ground, on those same knees, I had prayed all alone many times before. Through my tears, I would pray,

"God, I'm so broken, I'm so sad, and I'm so hurt. I know that you only you can take that away. I don't understand why this has happened to me, but please use me for your glory. Please bring someone into my life on your time, not mine." 

To be honest, sometimes I would add, "but please don't be TOO long from now...." Like God really needed my input of timing suggestions. And yet, here I am, 4 weeks away from marrying the man that I had prayed for. "BLESSED is she who believed that the LORD would fulfill his promises to Her." Luke 1:45

BUT this  is not about my relationship with my soon-to-be Husband, it's about my relationship with The Lord. And right there at that altar, I was reminded of just how badly I needed Him during that time of suffering. I had nothing else. I had no one else. I had Him, and that was all. Looking back now, I realize what a blessing that time was! Oh what a blessing it is to endure suffering for His glory!  James 1:12 tells us,

 “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”

Two years ago, I had no idea what God was going to do with my life. I couldn't see past the tears, the hurt, and the pain. The pain has not gone away because The Lord brought a man into my life, but because The Lord is in my life. The most beautiful love story that I will ever be a part of, is the one in which I fall in love every day with the One who made me. Where I continue to realize and understand little by little that He chose me. He has a purpose for me, and He has a plan for me, and he has one for you too. THIS is true love. 

It doesn't matter who broke your heart or who took you for granted. That person does not define your worth because they do not have power over you. Your worth comes from who you are in Jesus. He is the one who adds value to your story. Because of my story, my life has taken on new meaning. I believe that God assigned me this "mountain" to show others that it can be moved.

In four weeks I will wear the white dress, and I will walk down the aisle to the man God intended for me to spend my life with. But this day will symbolize so much more than just a marriage. This is a marriage of two people, joining as one family, with God as the center.  The bible says, "The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy: I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." This day will be a day of celebration because the devil has not won.  God has given me a new life and I'm going to live it for his glory.

That's the Real Love Story.

Xoxo,

Brittani 

Just a Nurse

Unless you've been living under a rock lately (which is not a bad idea...) you've seen the uproar that The View has caused, following the 2015 Miss America pageant. For the talent portion of the competition, Miss Colorado did a monologue on her career as an Alzheimer's nurse. The day after the pageant, members from the The View mocked Miss Colorado with comments like, "she practically read an email... that's not a talent" and "Why does she have a doctors stethoscope around her neck?" Like the rest of the nurses around the country, these comments made my blood boil. I am not a fan of The View and never have been, but this really put me over the edge.

As a former "pageant girl", I would like to confess that I have never participated in a pageant with a talent portion.... because I can't  sing, dance or play an instrument. Sure I could have "learned" how to do any of these things to help me win a pageant, but would that have been a true reflection of the talents God gave me? Miss Colorado, I cannot applaud you enough, for walking out on that stage, and rocking the talent that is being a nurse. I'm sure you knew that a monologue might look less impressive to the judges than the opera singer or the dancer, but let me assure you that those girls do not do what you do everyday. I know, because I too am a nurse. 

We made it through nursing school, that was a challenge in itself. We then went on to hold the hand of someone while they take their last breath. We've watched parents lose their children. Children lose their parents. We've had conversations with lonely patient's that have no one else. We've caught doctor's mistakes that could cost someone their lives. We've been yelled at, reprimanded and scolded. We've cried behind closed doors and on our way home.

You see ladies of The View, my talent is not be singing, dancing or playing an instrument. My talent is sitting up all night monitoring a baby's oxygen level while his mom and dad get some sleep. It's waking him up every few hours when he's sick to give him breathing treatments. It's listening to his lungs WITH A STETHOSCOPE to make sure they are clear. Because there is NO doctor around to check them. It's knowing how to comfort him when mom and dad aren't there. It's sitting up at all hours of the night while his parents express their hopes and fears for their child. It's being a shoulder to cry on or a person to vent to when things are hard. It's dropping what I can to be there for him, any night or day. 

A nurse's talent isn't showcased on stage, and that's ok, we don't need it to be. God gave us the gifts of compassion, patience, selflessness and humility. Maybe you ladies from The View should ask God to give you a few of those qualities? Remember that while you sit there and bash others from your chair, we are out changing other's lives with ours. I will be praying for you. 

And to Miss Colorado, from all of us nurses, you rock girl! 

Xoxo, 

Brittani