Enough.

I cherish every day that I get to spend with Carter. As a single and working mom, there are 2-3 days a week where I don't get to see him. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out and that I'm not the mom that I  always thought I would be. Some days I'm on the verge of tears. I feel like I can't ever live up to this image of this "perfect mom" that I have created in my head.

She's the mom who's got it all together. Her hair is perfectly styled and her makeup is flawless. She always has on the cutest outfits and her children are always dressed to the T. Her home looks like something straight out of a magazine, and obviously her kids never make messes. Her home is clean, and the laundry is always done. She drinks smoothies and lives off salads, while her kids eat all of their vegetables. She spends her days making Pinterest projects with her kids, or taking them to elaborate entertainment events. Her kids never cry, whine or make a scene in public.

It has taken some time but I have realized that the "perfect mom" doesn't exist.

I've been beating myself up over not living up to this "perfect mom" image I had always imagined that I would be. Before I had my son, I remember saying how I would NEVER be one of "those" parent's that let my son play on the Ipad or Iphone. I was going to make home-made baby food and elaborate dinosaur shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He would NEVER sleep in my bed, and the paci would be gone by his first birthday. I would NEVER not do my hair or wear makeup. Instead, he sleeps with me often, and the we finally ditched the paci about a month ago. My hair could use fresh highlights, and doesn't get done but once or twice a week. My wardrobe consists of a few staple items that I interchange depending on what's clean. My son is usually dirty, or half naked. My bed is never made, there's toys everywhere and dishes in the sink. He eats cheetos for lunch and refuses to eat the rest of his food. There's pieces of play-doh all over my house from the last Pinterest project, and I can't afford elaborate entertainment events. WWII erupts if we can't find the huge double seated carts to sit in at Target, that I HATE to drive. I scold myself when I give in to the candy at the check-out counter. " A good mom wouldn't let him have candy." I scold myself when I allow him to sleep in "mommy's bed." " I'm such a bad mom, I shouldn't let him to sleep with me." I scold myself when he goes to bed later than his bedtime. "A good mom would have him in bed by 8."

So who is this "good mom"??

She's the one rocking a crying baby at 3am. The one crying because her baby won't stop crying. The one building forts when she still has piles of laundry to do. The one kissing boo boos and placing bandages on skinned knees. The one driving back and forth to swim and gymnastics lessons. The one cleaning up crushed goldfish after vacuuming. The one praying over a sick baby. The one making dinner from what's left in the pantry, because there's still three days until payday. The one playing with trucks when the house needs to be cleaned. The one cleaning yogurt out of the carpet, again. The one clapping after they go potty on the potty for the first time.  The one searching for a missing pacifier in the middle of the night. The one sewing an arm back on their favorite stuffed animal. The one bending down to wipe their tears away.

 It's me, and  It's YOU.

Sometimes you cry behind the bathroom door. Only to regain your composure as your little one bangs "Mommy!" on the door. You feel like you're failing. The image of this "perfect mom" is unattainable. You wonder if anyone understands the way you feel.  Everyone else seems to have it all together. What we sometimes forget is how quickly time goes by. Before you know it, your baby will no longer be a baby. One day, all your child will remember is the days you played trucks in the dirt, or built a fort in the living room. Sometimes Carter will come up to me and say, "Mommy build..." There might be cleaning to do or piles of laundry to be folded, but the smile on his little face when I  build tall towers out of blocks, is worth dropping the laundry duties for. 

I want you to know, weary momma, that God says you're ENOUGH. He doesn't compare you to this image that you have created in your head. He doesn't care if your home is clean, or if your hair is done. Before your children were born, he decided that you would be their mother. Do not compare yourself to anyone else, for there is no one else who can do this job the way you do. So when you're feeling overwhelmed, lean on the one who gave you the greatest job in the world, and drop the image that you have created of being the "perfect mom."

There will be so many times you feel like you've failed, but in the eyes, heart and mind of your child, you are super mom.

XOXO, 

Brittani

Our Story

I used to laugh when people asked how we met, and cough and mutter Match.com under my breath. Now I'm proud to admit it and have my fingers crossed for a spot on one of their commercials. However, it definitely didn't start out that way. The first date I went on was a disaster. I definitely ran into some characters after that, you'll have to ask me about them sometime. But after going on a few weird dates, I decided that Match wasn't for me. I deleted my account and chose not to date for awhile. I had decided to devote my time to being a mommy, and I was absolutely content with that. But a few months later, something urged me to give it one more try. I decided to give it a month, and be done if nothing happened. A few days later, I noticed that a very cute "baseball guy" had viewed my profile. Eventually we began texting back and forth, and I immediately remember thinking that there was something different about this guy, compared to the others I had met. After talking for a few days, he asked me if I would like to go on a date with him, and I obliged. He offered to pick me up and I declined. "I really don't want to die" I told him, "you could be a serial killer for all I know." He laughed and replied, "Well I'm not a serial killer, but that's very smart. I would hope that my own daughter would do the same." The truth was, I wasn't worried about him being a serial killer. I just wanted my own car, in the event that I needed an out....

We met at Luke, a fancy restaurant in downtown San Antonio. I honestly had high hopes for our date, but very low expectations based on past experiences. I remember walking down the street, not one bit nervous like I had been for other dates. But as soon as I walked in and saw him standing there, my stomach did a 180. We laugh about it now, but I remember thinking to myself, " Now that's a man..." 

I had never been to such a fancy restaurant in my life. I don't remember what I ate, or if I actually ate. We had some nasty "beet salad" and I pretended to like it, because I knew he was going to have to pay a pretty penny for it. But one thing was for sure, we couldn't stop talking. The conversation just flowed, almost like I had met him before. After hours of dinner conversation, we decided to take a walk by the river. After another hour of talking, it was finally time to call it a night. Because he was parked so far away, I drove him to his truck. And unlike the rest of my dates, he didn't try to make a move. He told me that he enjoyed the evening and that we would talk very soon. 

Well, one date led to a second, and a second led to a third. I started to become anxious about opening up about my past. He knew that I was divorced and had a child, but he didn't know the details of my painful past. He didn't know the pain that I still felt and the many scars that I had. I was afraid that he would run once he knew. I was afraid that it might be too much to handle, and I would understand if it was. But he didn't.

 

The first few months of dating were great. We learned more about each other, and had a blast on dates. But as time went on, I could feel myself building walls around my heart, I didn't want to get too close. I didn't want to let him in. I told myself that if I fell in love, I would risk feeling hurt and heartbreak again. My heart was too fragile, and to let those walls down would be a risk I didn't want to take. So I broke up with him, multiple times. He had every right to move on, to say that I was crazy. Most men would have done just that. But he understood what I was going through, and he was patient. Slowly, brick by brick he helped knock down those walls, until my heart was capable of love again. He spent many days and nights, holding me while I cried. He was there the second I needed him. He helped my heart heal in a way that I will never be able to thank him enough for. I once asked him why he stayed, when he had plenty of chances to run. And he said, "Because I could feel God telling me not to let her go..."

I will always remember this moment that I had, sitting at my sewing table late one night in the middle of the biggest struggle of my life. I had been crying out to God, saying "Why me God? Everything has been taken from me, surely you have a better plan for me?" I can still remember the calm I felt moments later, and it was as if God had wrapped his arms around me saying "Yes child, be patient." I held on to that promise, and I believe that he is nothing short of an answer to that prayer. He is patient, loving, caring, and kind. He is a wonderful father, and accepts my baby as his own. He is a respectful, humble, man of God. He's a shoulder to cry on, the one who makes me laugh, and he treats me like me like a Queen. He believes in me even when I don't. And I never thought I would find someone like him. 

Two nights ago, this wonderful man took me back to Luke, got down on one knee, and asked me to spend forever with him. And as I sit here looking down at this beautiful ring on my finger, I want to say that I am proof that our God knows exactly what he is doing. He's not a stranger to our future, and only He knows what's best for us. I'm so thankful that he knows better than I do. As we sat in the restaurant after I said "yes", with tears in my eyes, I raised my hands and said "Thank you God." There is no doubt, OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL. 

It's still all very surreal to me. After a very painful divorce and betrayal, I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to trust again. Afraid that I would never find a man who accepted Carter and I as a package. To find someone who truly loved ME. And I did. OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL.

It's exciting to know that I will be bride once again, but this time things will be different. I want a marriage that is more beautiful than my wedding. Knowing what I know now, it's easy for brides to become caught up in planning the perfect "Pinterest worthy" wedding. They put more effort into the wedding, than they do preparing their relationship for marriage. Don't get me wrong, I want to have a beautiful wedding. But not one that is more beautiful than my marriage. 

To this day, I would not change what I have been through to get to where I am now. I want to be an example to our children of what marriage really is. I know that marriage is not easy. I know there will be times that are hard. But with God as the center of our marriage, I believe that we can make it through whatever this world throws our way. 

Thank you everyone for all of your well wishes, love and support. The love that we have received is overwhelming. To each and every one of you, thank you from the bottom of our hearts!!! 

Stay tuned....... 

Xoxoxo, 

Brittani 

The Day I Hit Bottom

Lately, all I want to do is to share the things that God has placed on my heart, but I get to the blank screen and the words just won't come. I want God to use my story, and my heart to inspire the lives of others, but getting the words out on paper isn't always easy. It wasn't until I was driving home after having coffee with a wonderful friend of mine, and sharing with one another how God has changed our lives, that I finally knew what I should write about. 

Over the past year and a half, the number one statement that I continue to hear is, "I don't know how you do it." I've heard this from family, friends, and any acquaintances that know my story. It's a harmless statement, and if I was in their shoes, I would wonder the exact same thing. My reaction is usually to just smile and gracefully say " You don't know what you would do, until you are in this situation." And my answer is most definitely the truth. But I'm about to dig a little bit deeper and give you the real answer to this question. 

I grew up in a Christian home, where I attended church every Sunday since I was around the age of 8. I  attended a group on Wednesday nights called AWANAS as a young girl, where I learned bible verses, sang worship songs and fellowship with other "Christian" kids. It was one night while at AWANAS when I prayed a prayer and accepted Jesus into my heart. From then on, I knew what it took to be a "Christian" girl. I attended church with my family, opened my bible in Sunday school, didn't cuss, and tried to be kind to others. I said a prayer and acted like a Christian girl, but I had no idea what it meant to truly have a relationship with Jesus. I kept him in a box, and took him out only when I needed him. 

Fast forward to the age of 22, and shortly after filing for divorce, there was a point in my life where being accepted by men became very important me. There were things said to me at the end of my marriage that left deep gashes in my heart and ripped my self-confidence and worth to pieces. Because my own husband chose someone else over me, I felt that I wasn't good enough. I began going on many dates, just to feel accepted and attractive to a man who usually had the wrong intentions in mind. But this searching for love and acceptance never filled the gashes that my failed marriage had left in my heart. Then, on one very lonely night, while sitting at my sewing table, I began to sob uncontrollably. I crumbled to the floor and I felt my entire body go cold. Guilt, sadness, worthlessness and rejection had taken over the very depths of my soul, and I had no where else to turn. That was my bottom. I cried out, "God, I don't understand why I have to go through this?? I have no where else to turn but to you!" This was the day I gave everything in my life over to God and made a promise that I would submit to His will, instead of my own. 

Ever since that night, God has been moving mountains in my life.

Before this night, I believed that my past was too great for God to conquer. And while He doesn't promise to change my past, He promises to be present with me.  He promises to love me, even though I am not perfect. He is the only one who can mend the hurt and fill the void in my heart, like no earthly man could. We have a choice to get stuck in our past, dwelling on the pain you've been through and the injustice done to you to get to the place you are now. Or, you can give thanks to Jesus, that you are finally here, despite the challenges of getting here. You make the choice of whether you will move on or you can relive your past for the rest of your life. I have made the choice to move on, and to live the new life that God intended for me to live. 

My story is not one to be concealed, hidden and forgotten. My pain is very unique, but so is the one who saved me. Just like he saw the broken pieces of my life as I knew it, he sees yours too. He allows you to be broken so that He can create a new life for you and restore you in ways that you could never imagine. And when He picks up the broken pieces, you will not be made into the same person you were before. He will take the moment you shattered into all of those broken pieces, and use it to show those around you that beauty can come from brokenness. And that's exactly what he has done with mine. He doesn't promise that following Him will be easy. But I don't worry about what might happen in the future because I know that He is already there. 

I know that there is someone reading this that feels like they have reached their bottom and think that their past is too big for God to conquer. I want you to know that NOTHING is too big for God. When you fall to the floor because you have nothing left to give, He will always be there extending his hand to help you stand again. But it's your choice whether you take it or not. I made the decision to take His hand that night, and my life has never been the same.

So the answer to the statement, "I don't know how you do it," is simple. "I" am not doing a thing. But the God who lives in me, HE makes all things possible. Does He live in YOU? 

Xoxoxo, 

Brittani 

The Bittersweet TWO!

On April 13, 2013 at 3:34pm, I gave one last push and my life was changed forever. Nothing could prepare me for what motherhood would be like, and there's no manual on how to do it the "right way." In two short years I've learned how to have real patience, how to live on minimal sleep, how to get dressed in 5 minutes, how to change diapers in the dark, and do anything with one hand. It hasn't been easy, and there will be hard days ahead, but there will NEVER be a day when I will not be on his side.

God could not have blessed me more when He made me Carter's mom. His personality is truly one of a kind. He is tender and loving, silly and smart, and stubborn but sweet. He's always watching out for me saying, "Be careful Mommy" and "Bless you" when I sneeze. At night when we pray, he bows his head and closes his eyes, and when we finish he says, "Amen!" Then I kiss his hand and he places it on his heart, and then places one on mine.  Even when he says things like "I tooted" in public, or yells "Shut up" (thank you Woody from Toy Story), from behind a scold (and usually a laugh), I still love him more than my heart can hold. 

I will always share a special bond with Carter. He has saved me in so many ways, and I know that God has an even bigger purpose for his future. I try not to think about his first day of school, graduation and beyond, however, I can't wait to see the wonderful young man that he will turn into. But TODAY he is 2 years old and I will cherish every single day that I am his Mom. 

I love you Carter Blake, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Love, 

Mommy

Faith, HOPE, and Love

When I first felt God calling me to start this blog, I was incredibly hesitant. Why would people care to hear what I had to say? I kept asking, "Why me God?" I was just a mediocre writer, I wasn't qualified, and I had no idea what I was doing. So I avoided the idea as much as I could, telling myself things like, " People probably wouldn't like it anyways..." I came up with so many reasons why I shouldn't do it, but God kept pressing it on my heart. Finally I decided to step out in faith, and I'm so glad that I did. I had NO IDEA that I would get the kind of response that I have gotten and continue to receive. In the 6 short months since I first started this blog, the huge amount of love and encouragement that I have received from others is overwhelming. I have received messages, texts, emails, and phone calls from so many people, saying how my blog has inspired, encouraged, or changed or their lives. 

What was holding me back was that I thought my life needed to be perfect in order for others to be interested in it. All the blogs that I had read were the "picture-perfect" blogs, complete with cute and healthy lunch-box meals, "outfit of the days", baby bump updates, and elaborate family vacations. I didn't have ANY of that to offer, I was completely broken. So far from perfect. But what I have learned about God, is that He loves to take things that are broken and make beautiful things out of them. I now see that God knew that other's lives were also broken, beyond what I could see. I believe that He is using my story to relate to others, in ways that the "picture-perfect" blogs can't. After all, He doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. 

So here are just a few messages that I have received since starting my blog: 

"Just want you to know your blog is amazing. And you are doing some 

serious God work. Blessings are about to pour on you and that baby boy 

like never before." 

"Your words just helped me so much. I'm sitting here crying because it is just is spot on what I needed to hear today!" 

"God is speaking through you and you are helping people. I know for sure because you just helped me!"

I have been so humbled, blessed and encouraged through these kinds of messages. I want to say thank you to each and every one of you who have sent me messages such as these, shared my posts or commented on them. Your words are not forgotten. But what all of these particular messages have in common is that they are are from the same person. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders from day one, and now it's my turn to be hers. 

Domonique and her husband, Steve, have been struggling with heartbreak of infertility. A few months ago they were given a diagnosis that decreased their odds of conceiving on their own. Surgical intervention will be their only hope for a possible family. Unfortunately, insurance will not cover the costs of the very expensive procedures. Domonique has been such an encouragement to me in my journey, and I can only hope to be that to her, in her and her husbands journey to bring a precious life into this world. We serve a God of miracles and I am big believer in the amazing power or prayer. 

These precious shirts are on sale in support of raising money for this wonderful cause. Please join me in helping them raise this money to help them on their #JOURNEYTOBABYV 

Just click on the link at the bottom of this page to order your T-shirt in support of this wonderful cause. Donations and prayers are also greatly appreciated. 

Thank you all for all of your support towards my blog, and for your support towards this wonderful couple!! 

http://www.booster.com/ug-14280677086266224

Xoxoxo

Brittani